The Lost Art of Seduction

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Before I get this party started, I will admit that I need to carry some of the blame for this disappearance. With that being said…

Men, I’m talking to you! Whatever happened to the art of seduction? I’m about to turn 39 and when I have sex, I swear it still feels like college dorm room level sex. So often we skip the preliminaries and go straight to sex. And not even good sex at that.

  1. Kiss.
  2. Boobs (five seconds tops).
  3. Insert penis in vagina.
  4. Repeat.

Ugh!

I love sex and I too, often rush it. But most of the time it is because I’m moving along with the speed of the man I’m with because I want him to lead. And even if I did say, “Slow down,” I don’t think he’d know what to do after that. He’d probably think I don’t want to have sex when that’s the exact opposite of what I want.

What I want, is to be seduced. Slowly. Intentionally.

Date 1- Do the normal talking and getting to know each other stuff. If the chemistry is flowing, go in for a kiss at the end of the date. French is fine, but only a taste. Just enough to let your date know you are attracted to each other. And then…STOP! Say goodnight.

Date 2- Continue getting to know each other. But now throw in some subtle, but not so subtle touches. Hold her hand and stroke the top with your thumb. When sitting, take her hand and place it on hers or your thigh, palm up, and then stroke your fiseduction 1ngers through hers and draw light circles on her palm. This is an erogenous zone for some women. Guide her when you walk with your hand at the small of her back, and stroke your thumb there. Kiss her at her doorstep, deepening the kiss for a little longer this time. And then…STOP! Say goodnight.

seduction 2Date 3- If you’re at this level, invite her over for Netflix and Chill. But surprise her. Instead of ‘Chill’ which we all know is code for sex, revert back to being a teenager and makeout aka dry-hump. Feel her up outside of her clothes and vice versa. Kiss and caress her neck, brush your thumbs over her cheeks as you kiss her, maybe even suck on her nipples, etc. Tell her what you want to do to her. Leave her breathless. Work yourself up and then…STOP! Say goodnight. Send her home in an Uber.

The point is, have some self-control. Make her and yourself crazy with want. To the point that when it does go down, you’re ripping each other’s clothes off. And when it does go down, DO NOT fall back into old habits and just stick it in. Engage in foreplay. Spend some time giving each breast some attention. Learn the fine art of cunnilingus. Trust me, she’ll thank you for it. If she’s into it, make sure she orgasms from it. And then…GO FOR IT! Say good morning.

Stop thinking sex is about how quickly you can shoot your load. Remember there is another human being involved, not just you. This isn’t a sprint between you and your hand. Her lady bits need just as much stimulation as your manly bits.

Any man who says he truly loves sex should also love pleasuring his partner. Moral of the story: Make her want a cigarette when she doesn’t even smoke.

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Freak on a Leash

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So I did one of those silly name tests on Facebook the other day. It was one where if you clicked on it, it would show you what type of mate you attract. It “calculated” my profile and said that I attract Freaks. I thought about it and honestly, for the most part out of the men I’ve dated and had relations with, that is totally false.

Now, I don’t expect those tests to be factually correct as much as fun. But when it comes to men and sex, more often than not they are not factually correct. So often women and men flirt and chat about our likes and dislikes sexually. Through texts, face to face dates, or over the phone. At least, I hope everyone is having open and honest discussions about their sexual desires. If you’re not, PLEASE start. It may not be all that a relationship is, but it’s certainly an important part of a relationship.

freak 1Anyway, I find that a man will call himself a freak or hint to the fact that he’s a freak or verbally agrees with my freaky tastes when I tell him about it. Then we’ll finally have sex and I’m wondering where this mythical legend ran off to. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll definitely hit the skins all night long. But loving lots of sex, a freak does not make. Though it helps.

A real freak pushes the boundaries of sex. They love to experiment and try new things. And I’m not just talking about switching up positions. I’m talking real freaky shit. When I say, I want to be tied up, that’s not a figure of speech. Tie my ass up. When I say I want to be spanked, don’t give me some weaksauce love taps, put some stichoking 4ng behind that shit. When I say, I want to be choked, flipping choke me. Sidenote: This is only when asked or it has been previously stated that it’s welcomed. And within the intensity level asked for. This is not an invitation to beat the shit out of someone or choke someone until they pass out or die. 

I told the last guy I was seeing that I liked to be spanked and I wanted to be choked. He talked a good game over the phone and made it seem like he was fully on board. And then when we finally consummated our friends with benefits relationship, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than the standard issue moves.

Everybody’s a freak until they meet a REAL one.

For a real freak, I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to be misled. Mainly, because you think you’ve finally found your sexual equal and you’ve gotten yourself all hyped up for some amazingly freaky shit to go down and…nothing. It’s like fixing your lips to taste some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and you find out you accidentally bought plain ass vanilla.

Just like I mentioned in my previous post, Cunnilingus Impostor, I beg of you, DO NOT pretend that you are into or enjoy something you, in fact, do not. In all aspects of relationships, just be yourself. If you pretend so that you don’t lose the person, you’re going to lose them anyway. when you reveal the real you. And all you did was waste both of your time.

And to men specifically…STOP SAYING YOU’RE A FREAK!!! Just say you like a lot of sex with nothing too crazy involved and keep it moving. Sheesh! Stick to your vanilla counterparts and leave us Double Chocolate Rocky Road Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake ladies alone!

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Men, I Am Not Your Life Raft

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Dealing with a man I’ve been seeing for nearly a year (a long distance friends with benefits relationship, to be exact), I’ve learned something vitally important about myself and the men I attract.

Hi, my name is Twyla and I attract damaged, broken men with a U-Haul’s worth of baggage. And I let them in because I like to fix people.

I have a healing and nurturing spirit and I recognize wounded people, and I always want to help them. Unfortunately for me, these people (men in particular), like to suck the life force out of me in the process.

My first love was a troubled child. We’ll call him Chuck. We met in college. Well, I was in college. Chuck was pretending he was in college. His father didn’t want anything to do with him and his mother had remarried and had two other boys. So Chuck felt left out. He rebelled and became a problem child. His mom, fed up, kicked him out. He came down to SIU, I believe, in the hopes of going to college. He ended up living in a homeless shelter. They let him live there rent free and paid him small wages in exchange for working there. This is when I met him.

He was attractive and seemed at least relatively sweet. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that he was looking for someone, anyone to love him. To show him that he mattered. I have no problem being that person but don’t shit on me in the process.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t that terrible to me at first. Chuck cooked for me, bought me nice things when he could afford it (illegally at times, I realized later), and he was very romantic. But in the end, he ended up stealing from me to get cash and then broke up with me when I pressed him about it.

He told me years later, that after hitting rock bottom, he got his life together and started a business that began with me (I had a Mac computer he loved and learned how to use and started a company that taught people how to use them), got married and had kids, and then eventually got some really good paying job at a great company.

The next guy I loved, we shall call him Dwight, was damaged physically and emotionally. He had a pronounced limp from a terrible mishap when he was a teen, and a hole in his throat with a gravelly voice to go along with it from needing a tracheotomy when he was born prematurely. He was also broken from a recent breakup.

I fell for the bait. Hook, line, and sinker. I picked him like a damn stray roaming around the street. And he walked all over me for 5 years. Of course, I let him for various reasons, but mainly because I was in love with his potential, not the actual man.

After I broke up with Dwight and moved across the country to get away from our toxic back and forth relationship (the best decision I ever made. There’s nothing wrong with running sometimes), leaving my dog and half of my belongings, he found someone and proposed to her after about a year. And he used my dog to propose. Yet he strung me along for 5 years with the promise of marriage.

With these first two guys, I was a total lid loosener. I read somewhere once that there are two kinds of women. Lid looseners, those who loosen the lid. And lid openers, those who come along after the loosener and pops the lid right open. Basically, the women to heal the man, making him better for the next woman who doesn’t have to do jack but enjoy the man he now is.

Now, this new guy that we will call Mark, is having troubles with an ex. I can’t give details in case either party sees this post, but let’s just say it’s not pretty. He wants to move to a new place, but can’t really afford it. He asked me to move back to California to move in with him, but I refused. Mark’s not ready. He’s still broken from his relationship and wants to use me as his therapist. His life raft to keep him afloat.

When I refused to bend to his will, he decided to go on a date with another woman while he was on a work trip in another country. He proceeded to tell me about it. This I actually don’t care that much about because we’re not in a serious relationship. But he told me in one breath that he missed her and in the next, he asked to see me so I can make him feel better. Of course, I snapped. But my epiphany also hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m a magnet for wounded and broken men. And I am so grateful to him for helping me realize this. Of course, the minute I did, I was so turned off by him that it was a damn relief. I have a healing and nurturing spirit, but that doesn’t mean I’m here to be shit on or pulled down into the abyss with you. I’m not loosening one more damn lid for anyone else!

Men (and women for that matter), please fix your own shit before you move on to the next person. It is not your next lover, girlfriend/boyfriend, or spouse’s job to fix your damaged behind. Stay single until you figure your shit out.

While learning this about myself and those that I attract, I realized that there are two types of men. I’m going to use the movie Titanic as an analogy to preface my point. After the ship finally sank, Rose and Jack first found themselves in the fridged water and everyone was splashing around frantically. The one guy, in a panic to save his own life used Rose as a life raft. He pushed her under the water in order to try to stay afloat. Meanwhile, Jack was searching for her in the water and when he found her, smashed that dudes face in and then proceeded to let Rose get on the wooden door while he froze to death in the water. There will be that guy who will bring all of his issues and baggage to throw onto you in the hopes of saving himself while he saps you of your energy and drowns you. And then you’ll have that guy who will uplift you, who will try to save you above all else. Even him.

Now, I personally think Jack should’ve found a way to get on the door to save them both. That would be a third type of man. The type of man I want. The man who won’t drag me down, but also won’t let me walk all over him. The man who is strong and capable, with minimal and/or controlled baggage (because let’s get real, at this age [38], any man I meet is going to have some kind of baggage just like I do). Someone who will uplift me when I need it and who let me uplift him when he needs it.

In a word… Equal.

No Room for CP Time!

black support 2

The Academy Awards in early 2016 was ripped a new one for how white it was. The only person of color who was up for any awards (that I know of) was the Hispanic director, Alejandro Inarritu, of The Revenant. The following months from 2016 to 2017 was like Hollywood heard us and the options of quality movies and their resulting nominations and wins for black films (Hidden Figures, Fences, Moonlight, Loving) during the Oscars let us know that we were heard. This is fantastic.

I’m a part of the Romance Novel community, specifically the Interracial Romance community, celebrating Black women finding love in all shades. We talk all the time about wanting to see more examples in the media (film and television) of Black women finding love. A lot of us African American female authors dream of having our books turned into movies or TV shows. Now, I know that this community is a small corner of the world, my world. But I’m assuming that there are a lot of Black women who agree with us. If the success of Scandal and How to get Away with Murder is any indication. So I’m also sure that a lot of the lack of support for certain things is common throughout the community as well.

Everything 1

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post reviewing, well more like gushing over the movie Everything, Everything. And if you think I raved here, I really displayed my obsession on Facebook. I literally saw the movie FOUR times! One, because I loved it just that much. Two, because I noticed the lack of support people were giving it in my corner of the world. I even checked how it did at the box office the first weekend and it landed in the 4th or 5th spot, which was pretty good for such a small film up against Guardians of the Galaxy and other blockbusters. But it still wasn’t good enough. Because I know that the Black dollar is a force to be reckoned with. Everyone on social media was like, “Yeah, it looks good. I’ll have to go see it soon.” And that turned into nothing. Then during a conversation, yesterday in a Facebook group dedicated to authors who write Interracial romance with a focus on Black heroines specifically and their fans, someone brought up the movie and everyone was like “Oh yeah, I need to go see that.” WHAT?!?! It’s been over a month since the movie came out and more than likely gone from most theaters and you waited until the 11th hour to go see it? Movies featuring Black girls and women falling in love and being loved and adored doesn’t have any room for CP time (Color people time, for those who don’t know. Meaning always late). When they are offered, we are obligated to see it immediately and give it ALL the love we can. Hollywood needs to know that these stories can make money and that there is interest there. And for the very women who want their stories of Black women love to be turned into movies, their lack of support for this amazing film was disappointing.

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And that goes for The Bachelorette too. People have been complaining for decades to have a Bachelor or Bachelorette of color. They finally get one and I hear people complaining about how it’s being done. Seriously?!?! Who the f*ck cares?! Are we not paying attention to the fact that a Black woman…a DARK-skinned Black woman is surrounded by gorgeous men of all races and being adored and loved on??? That sh*t is beautiful and something I’ve been waiting for for years. Screw the details. It’s a reality show and they want ratings. So they’re going to do things that are a bit shady. The goal is to show the powers that be in the media that Black women finding love is marketable and damn well deserving.

So please, when you see something featuring Black folks that you know you’d more than likely enjoy (I don’t expect anyone to support something they’d normally dislike) WATCH it! Go out in full force and support it. They need to know that we aren’t all talk and no action.

No! White Privilege Will Not Start A War!

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!

“Otto’s fate deepens my Administration’s determination to prevent such tragedies from befalling innocent people at the hands of regimes that do not respect the rule of law or basic human decency,” he added.” -Donald Trump via New York Post

My heart goes out to Otto Warmbier and his family. And it is unfortunate what happened to him and unfair considering the minor crime he committed. But this has to be said… ‘Befalling innocent people?!’ No sir, he was not innocent. His whiteness does not make him innocent. He went to a country he had no business going to. And he stole while he was there. That does not denote innocence.

It was North Korea, for god’s sake! Not the United States of White Privilege. You don’t go to a country like that and even take a piss wrong. Especially if you’re a foreigner from a rival country.

Warmbier is a sad, but prime example of white privilege that does not extend to non-white countries. Dear White people, when you go to Asian, African (predominately black), and/or South American countries, you will not get the same benefits that you get here in the States or European countries. Just like the kid in Singapore back in the 90s who was caned for vandalism.

Let this sink in…Your whiteness will not protect you there like it does here.

Yet, I heard that some in the GOP were calling for action against North Korea. Oh hell no!!! We should not have to go to war because some kid forgot he wasn’t in America and committed a crime. He should not have lost his life, but this is why you don’t commit crimes in countries you know nothing about. But I’ll tell you this, most people know (especially those with enough money to travel abroad) not to go to a country like N.Korea and fuck around like you’re in small town USA and get a pat on the back and a verbal warning by the local sheriff (if you’re white). And guess what? There have been plenty of inmates right here in ‘Murica that have died at the hands of guards and not a single thing happened to the guards. Particularly if the inmate was a minority. Oh, and let’s not forget the brutality of actual innocent black folks going about their day by cops too. That type of injustice happens right here all the time. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, it hurt, don’t it?

So no, GOP. How about you…

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Everything, Everything is in fact…EVERYTHING!

 

Everything 1

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

 

I. Am. In. LOVE! This movie touched my soul and for more reasons than it is sweet as can be.

First, let me start by saying, I purchased and I read the book the minute I saw the first trailer drop. Anyone who knows me or who has been following this blog knows that I love swirling. Particularly with a Black woman and White man (or any man for that matter). Just so long as a Black woman is being loved on. So the concept appealed to me enough to make me snatch up the book, even though I don’t alway read YA (Young Adult) novels.

The book, written by a Black woman who is married to a Korean-American man, is sweet, original, and creative. In between the story are illustrations that the main character Maddy has drawn. It’s just another element that pulls you into the story. The love between Maddy and Olly is sweet, innocent, and pure. You can’t help but root for them.

 

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Courtesy of Warner Bros.

So I went into the movie today with high hopes. I was so not disappointed. In fact, this may be the first time that a movie based on a book is as good if not better than the book. They cleverly found a way to express the email/text conversations between Maddy and Olly, which is how they mostly communicate in the beginning of their relationship. But the way they translated it to film, only enhanced their chemistry. And some of the sweet things Olly did for Maddy in the film, made the romance so much better than even the book.

 

 

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Courtesy of Warner Bros.

The casting was phenomenal. Amandla Stenberg and Nick Robinson were cast perfectly and their chemistry was off the charts. The way he looked at her made it feel like he truly did love her. Either he’s one fantastic actor or he’s got a little crush on his leading lady. Or maybe that’s just me and my hopeful little fantasy world I’m living in.

 

The soundtrack was also amazing and eclectic. I’m thinking about purchasing it too.

But what really touched me that I mentioned at the beginning of this review? What made tears run continually down my face throughout the movie? Finally seeing a Black girl fall in love on the big screen.

Those who are not a part of the minority cannot understand or fathom what it is like to grow up NEVER seeing someone that looks even remotely like you falling in love on the big or small screen. I literally wept for the 13-18 year old me, who never got to see a black or brown girl fall in love as I grew up. The Molly Ringwalds of the world, the Teen Witches, the Brendas, Kellys, and Donnas of the world were the norm and the standard. So much so that I didn’t even realize that I was missing anything.

Until today.

I cried because I didn’t know how much I wanted…no, needed to see that on a 5,000 square foot movie screen. I cried because it was 20+ years too late. I cried because I was so damn happy that I was finally seeing it. And it was…glorious.

Everything 2

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

 

But now I want more. And to get more, I need EVERYONE to go out and see this movie. I need Hollywood to understand that we desperately want and need more of this. So that they’ll be willing to produce more. For teens and adults alike.

I want to go to movies celebrating women of color finding love and being loved. But even movies like Waiting to Exhale, The Best Man movies, Something New, etc didn’t bring me to tears the way Everything, Everything did. Which lets me know that more than anything, our young girls desperately need to see black and brown girls falling in love and being loved.

We can’t let them down!

Attack of the Unsolicited D*ck Pic!!!

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Photo Source: Huffington Post

 

You never know when it’s gonna hit. There you are, just minding your business, when…BAM! You’re hit with the unsolicited dick pic.

You’re frightened. Confused. And lastly, disgusted.

Who is this random person who thought it was a good idea to send you a picture of his junk with a toilet in the background or his dirty bedroom? Not only is it wrong, it lacks absolutely any artistic effort.

Why would anyone do this? The answer to that question is still a mystery to many of us. But I have my theories…

One, the unsolicited dick pic is about power. The power to force your privates on our unsuspecting eyes. The unsolicited dick pic is the new “flasher.”

You see, flashers get off on the power they get from forcing random people (usually women and girls) going about their everyday lives to see their naked bodies. But flashing can come with a heavy price. Shame and jail time.

Oh, but wait! Here comes the age of technology and the unsolicited dick pic is born! Those who are or would be flashers have a new outlet. And those who never dared, finally have a way to do it too. All without repercussions.

“I can flash the ladies my cock all day. Whether they want it or not and they can’t do anything about it. Muahahahaha!”

Now, I’ve talked to some ladies about the unsolicited dick pic and through those conversations, a general consensus has been deduced. Almost all of those pics have been little dicks.

What was that? Little dicks, you say? Yes, little dicks. Cocktail weiners. Pinky fingers. Baby dongs.

Why in the world would a man want to send a photo of his tiny dick to someone? Wouldn’t he want to keep that a secret until the very last minute?

Funny you would ask because that brings me to my second theory. Since it appears that mostly short dicked men are the ones sending the unsolicited dick pics, it would stand to reason that if it’s not because they are a closet flasher, it is for validation.

These men need validation. They need someone to lie to them and tell them they aren’t as small as they really are.

How did I come to this conclusion?

Well, the man I’m currently seeing has a pretty big snausage (yeah, you read that right) and he has never sent a dick pic. He’s never sexted or had phone sex for that matter. He’s a novice to all of it and isn’t entirely comfortable with it. A friend of mine says that her ex has a huge wang and he’s never sent her a dick pic. And like I said before from the conversations I’ve had with many women about the unsolicited dick pics they’ve received, they’re usually of the smaller variety.

Big dick men don’t need validation that they have big dicks. They already know it. Whether they know what to do with it, is a totally different story that I’ve already discussed in a previous post.

I’m not saying that tons of big dick men don’t send dick pics, unsolicited and welcomed. But the simple fact that so many little ones are sent on a constant basis is quite telling.

That goes for the Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic too. You know the guy. The one that has DMed you and you’ve only been talking for two seconds before he’s asking for a nude of you and/or if you want to see a nude of him. You’re super annoyed that he’s so quickly jumped on the sext parade, but for curiosity’s sake (because you’re a freak) you wanna see what he’s working with so you grudgingly accept his request. “I’m not sending you anything. I don’t know you like that, but you can send a pic if you want.” Next thing you know…BOOM! He drops that pic in your DM so quick and you’re like, “Seriously?! This fool wasted my time for this shit?!?!” The Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic is the biggest little dick offender out there.

These men are so damn eager to drop that tiny fucker. It almost appears that they’re proud of that shit. But then while you’re regrouping from laughing or finding a magnifying glass to see that crap better, they drop another line in your DM… “Do you like?” “Is it big enough?” “It’s not too small, is it?” Or some such question. Aka seeking validation. Sometimes you get the delusional ones. “I’ll beat the pussy up.” “Can you handle that?” And so on. That’s just false bravado. They’re still seeking validation, just a little less pathetically. They want you to agree that that shit is magnificent when you know damn well that you’re never going to even waste your time. One, because he didn’t even have the decency to carry on a conversation with you without begging to take it to the next level. Not even attempting to get to know you. Second, unless he has a proven track record of gold medal level cunnilingus, you don’t have time for little dicks.

Maybe we would have if you’d have given us a chance to get to know you first. A woman will give up a lot of things for a good man. Even big dick.

But like I told my friend, from now on when a man sends me an Unsolicited Dick Pic or even a Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic, I’m going to go into my library of ginormous dick pics (for my book research…DUH!) and I’m going to send it in response to theirs with the caption “Eh…I’ve seen better.”

What are your Unsolicited Dick Pic theories? Drop them in the comments.