Men, I Am Not Your Life Raft

titanic 4

Dealing with a man I’ve been seeing for nearly a year (a long distance friends with benefits relationship, to be exact), I’ve learned something vitally important about myself and the men I attract.

Hi, my name is Twyla and I attract damaged, broken men with a U-Haul’s worth of baggage. And I let them in because I like to fix people.

I have a healing and nurturing spirit and I recognize wounded people, and I always want to help them. Unfortunately for me, these people (men in particular), like to suck the life force out of me in the process.

My first love was a troubled child. We’ll call him Chuck. We met in college. Well, I was in college. Chuck was pretending he was in college. His father didn’t want anything to do with him and his mother had remarried and had two other boys. So Chuck felt left out. He rebelled and became a problem child. His mom, fed up, kicked him out. He came down to SIU, I believe, in the hopes of going to college. He ended up living in a homeless shelter. They let him live there rent free and paid him small wages in exchange for working there. This is when I met him.

He was attractive and seemed at least relatively sweet. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that he was looking for someone, anyone to love him. To show him that he mattered. I have no problem being that person but don’t shit on me in the process.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t that terrible to me at first. Chuck cooked for me, bought me nice things when he could afford it (illegally at times, I realized later), and he was very romantic. But in the end, he ended up stealing from me to get cash and then broke up with me when I pressed him about it.

He told me years later, that after hitting rock bottom, he got his life together and started a business that began with me (I had a Mac computer he loved and learned how to use and started a company that taught people how to use them), got married and had kids, and then eventually got some really good paying job at a great company.

The next guy I loved, we shall call him Dwight, was damaged physically and emotionally. He had a pronounced limp from a terrible mishap when he was a teen, and a hole in his throat with a gravelly voice to go along with it from needing a tracheotomy when he was born prematurely. He was also broken from a recent breakup.

I fell for the bait. Hook, line, and sinker. I picked him like a damn stray roaming around the street. And he walked all over me for 5 years. Of course, I let him for various reasons, but mainly because I was in love with his potential, not the actual man.

After I broke up with Dwight and moved across the country to get away from our toxic back and forth relationship (the best decision I ever made. There’s nothing wrong with running sometimes), leaving my dog and half of my belongings, he found someone and proposed to her after about a year. And he used my dog to propose. Yet he strung me along for 5 years with the promise of marriage.

With these first two guys, I was a total lid loosener. I read somewhere once that there are two kinds of women. Lid looseners, those who loosen the lid. And lid openers, those who come along after the loosener and pops the lid right open. Basically, the women to heal the man, making him better for the next woman who doesn’t have to do jack but enjoy the man he now is.

Now, this new guy that we will call Mark, is having troubles with an ex. I can’t give details in case either party sees this post, but let’s just say it’s not pretty. He wants to move to a new place, but can’t really afford it. He asked me to move back to California to move in with him, but I refused. Mark’s not ready. He’s still broken from his relationship and wants to use me as his therapist. His life raft to keep him afloat.

When I refused to bend to his will, he decided to go on a date with another woman while he was on a work trip in another country. He proceeded to tell me about it. This I actually don’t care that much about because we’re not in a serious relationship. But he told me in one breath that he missed her and in the next, he asked to see me so I can make him feel better. Of course, I snapped. But my epiphany also hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m a magnet for wounded and broken men. And I am so grateful to him for helping me realize this. Of course, the minute I did, I was so turned off by him that it was a damn relief. I have a healing and nurturing spirit, but that doesn’t mean I’m here to be shit on or pulled down into the abyss with you. I’m not loosening one more damn lid for anyone else!

Men (and women for that matter), please fix your own shit before you move on to the next person. It is not your next lover, girlfriend/boyfriend, or spouse’s job to fix your damaged behind. Stay single until you figure your shit out.

While learning this about myself and those that I attract, I realized that there are two types of men. I’m going to use the movie Titanic as an analogy to preface my point. After the ship finally sank, Rose and Jack first found themselves in the fridged water and everyone was splashing around frantically. The one guy, in a panic to save his own life used Rose as a life raft. He pushed her under the water in order to try to stay afloat. Meanwhile, Jack was searching for her in the water and when he found her, smashed that dudes face in and then proceeded to let Rose get on the wooden door while he froze to death in the water. There will be that guy who will bring all of his issues and baggage to throw onto you in the hopes of saving himself while he saps you of your energy and drowns you. And then you’ll have that guy who will uplift you, who will try to save you above all else. Even him.

Now, I personally think Jack should’ve found a way to get on the door to save them both. That would be a third type of man. The type of man I want. The man who won’t drag me down, but also won’t let me walk all over him. The man who is strong and capable, with minimal and/or controlled baggage (because let’s get real, at this age [38], any man I meet is going to have some kind of baggage just like I do). Someone who will uplift me when I need it and who let me uplift him when he needs it.

In a word… Equal.

No Room for CP Time!

black support 2

The Academy Awards in early 2016 was ripped a new one for how white it was. The only person of color who was up for any awards (that I know of) was the Hispanic director, Alejandro Inarritu, of The Revenant. The following months from 2016 to 2017 was like Hollywood heard us and the options of quality movies and their resulting nominations and wins for black films (Hidden Figures, Fences, Moonlight, Loving) during the Oscars let us know that we were heard. This is fantastic.

I’m a part of the Romance Novel community, specifically the Interracial Romance community, celebrating Black women finding love in all shades. We talk all the time about wanting to see more examples in the media (film and television) of Black women finding love. A lot of us African American female authors dream of having our books turned into movies or TV shows. Now, I know that this community is a small corner of the world, my world. But I’m assuming that there are a lot of Black women who agree with us. If the success of Scandal and How to get Away with Murder is any indication. So I’m also sure that a lot of the lack of support for certain things is common throughout the community as well.

Everything 1

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog post reviewing, well more like gushing over the movie Everything, Everything. And if you think I raved here, I really displayed my obsession on Facebook. I literally saw the movie FOUR times! One, because I loved it just that much. Two, because I noticed the lack of support people were giving it in my corner of the world. I even checked how it did at the box office the first weekend and it landed in the 4th or 5th spot, which was pretty good for such a small film up against Guardians of the Galaxy and other blockbusters. But it still wasn’t good enough. Because I know that the Black dollar is a force to be reckoned with. Everyone on social media was like, “Yeah, it looks good. I’ll have to go see it soon.” And that turned into nothing. Then during a conversation, yesterday in a Facebook group dedicated to authors who write Interracial romance with a focus on Black heroines specifically and their fans, someone brought up the movie and everyone was like “Oh yeah, I need to go see that.” WHAT?!?! It’s been over a month since the movie came out and more than likely gone from most theaters and you waited until the 11th hour to go see it? Movies featuring Black girls and women falling in love and being loved and adored doesn’t have any room for CP time (Color people time, for those who don’t know. Meaning always late). When they are offered, we are obligated to see it immediately and give it ALL the love we can. Hollywood needs to know that these stories can make money and that there is interest there. And for the very women who want their stories of Black women love to be turned into movies, their lack of support for this amazing film was disappointing.

black support

And that goes for The Bachelorette too. People have been complaining for decades to have a Bachelor or Bachelorette of color. They finally get one and I hear people complaining about how it’s being done. Seriously?!?! Who the f*ck cares?! Are we not paying attention to the fact that a Black woman…a DARK-skinned Black woman is surrounded by gorgeous men of all races and being adored and loved on??? That sh*t is beautiful and something I’ve been waiting for for years. Screw the details. It’s a reality show and they want ratings. So they’re going to do things that are a bit shady. The goal is to show the powers that be in the media that Black women finding love is marketable and damn well deserving.

So please, when you see something featuring Black folks that you know you’d more than likely enjoy (I don’t expect anyone to support something they’d normally dislike) WATCH it! Go out in full force and support it. They need to know that we aren’t all talk and no action.

No! White Privilege Will Not Start A War!

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!

“Otto’s fate deepens my Administration’s determination to prevent such tragedies from befalling innocent people at the hands of regimes that do not respect the rule of law or basic human decency,” he added.” -Donald Trump via New York Post

My heart goes out to Otto Warmbier and his family. And it is unfortunate what happened to him and unfair considering the minor crime he committed. But this has to be said… ‘Befalling innocent people?!’ No sir, he was not innocent. His whiteness does not make him innocent. He went to a country he had no business going to. And he stole while he was there. That does not denote innocence.

It was North Korea, for god’s sake! Not the United States of White Privilege. You don’t go to a country like that and even take a piss wrong. Especially if you’re a foreigner from a rival country.

Warmbier is a sad, but prime example of white privilege that does not extend to non-white countries. Dear White people, when you go to Asian, African (predominately black), and/or South American countries, you will not get the same benefits that you get here in the States or European countries. Just like the kid in Singapore back in the 90s who was caned for vandalism.

Let this sink in…Your whiteness will not protect you there like it does here.

Yet, I heard that some in the GOP were calling for action against North Korea. Oh hell no!!! We should not have to go to war because some kid forgot he wasn’t in America and committed a crime. He should not have lost his life, but this is why you don’t commit crimes in countries you know nothing about. But I’ll tell you this, most people know (especially those with enough money to travel abroad) not to go to a country like N.Korea and fuck around like you’re in small town USA and get a pat on the back and a verbal warning by the local sheriff (if you’re white). And guess what? There have been plenty of inmates right here in ‘Murica that have died at the hands of guards and not a single thing happened to the guards. Particularly if the inmate was a minority. Oh, and let’s not forget the brutality of actual innocent black folks going about their day by cops too. That type of injustice happens right here all the time. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, it hurt, don’t it?

So no, GOP. How about you…

several seats

Everything, Everything is in fact…EVERYTHING!

 

Everything 1

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

 

I. Am. In. LOVE! This movie touched my soul and for more reasons than it is sweet as can be.

First, let me start by saying, I purchased and I read the book the minute I saw the first trailer drop. Anyone who knows me or who has been following this blog knows that I love swirling. Particularly with a Black woman and White man (or any man for that matter). Just so long as a Black woman is being loved on. So the concept appealed to me enough to make me snatch up the book, even though I don’t alway read YA (Young Adult) novels.

The book, written by a Black woman who is married to a Korean-American man, is sweet, original, and creative. In between the story are illustrations that the main character Maddy has drawn. It’s just another element that pulls you into the story. The love between Maddy and Olly is sweet, innocent, and pure. You can’t help but root for them.

 

Everything 4

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

So I went into the movie today with high hopes. I was so not disappointed. In fact, this may be the first time that a movie based on a book is as good if not better than the book. They cleverly found a way to express the email/text conversations between Maddy and Olly, which is how they mostly communicate in the beginning of their relationship. But the way they translated it to film, only enhanced their chemistry. And some of the sweet things Olly did for Maddy in the film, made the romance so much better than even the book.

 

 

Everything 3

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

The casting was phenomenal. Amandla Stenberg and Nick Robinson were cast perfectly and their chemistry was off the charts. The way he looked at her made it feel like he truly did love her. Either he’s one fantastic actor or he’s got a little crush on his leading lady. Or maybe that’s just me and my hopeful little fantasy world I’m living in.

 

The soundtrack was also amazing and eclectic. I’m thinking about purchasing it too.

But what really touched me that I mentioned at the beginning of this review? What made tears run continually down my face throughout the movie? Finally seeing a Black girl fall in love on the big screen.

Those who are not a part of the minority cannot understand or fathom what it is like to grow up NEVER seeing someone that looks even remotely like you falling in love on the big or small screen. I literally wept for the 13-18 year old me, who never got to see a black or brown girl fall in love as I grew up. The Molly Ringwalds of the world, the Teen Witches, the Brendas, Kellys, and Donnas of the world were the norm and the standard. So much so that I didn’t even realize that I was missing anything.

Until today.

I cried because I didn’t know how much I wanted…no, needed to see that on a 5,000 square foot movie screen. I cried because it was 20+ years too late. I cried because I was so damn happy that I was finally seeing it. And it was…glorious.

Everything 2

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

 

But now I want more. And to get more, I need EVERYONE to go out and see this movie. I need Hollywood to understand that we desperately want and need more of this. So that they’ll be willing to produce more. For teens and adults alike.

I want to go to movies celebrating women of color finding love and being loved. But even movies like Waiting to Exhale, The Best Man movies, Something New, etc didn’t bring me to tears the way Everything, Everything did. Which lets me know that more than anything, our young girls desperately need to see black and brown girls falling in love and being loved.

We can’t let them down!

Attack of the Unsolicited D*ck Pic!!!

headache

Photo Source: Huffington Post

 

You never know when it’s gonna hit. There you are, just minding your business, when…BAM! You’re hit with the unsolicited dick pic.

You’re frightened. Confused. And lastly, disgusted.

Who is this random person who thought it was a good idea to send you a picture of his junk with a toilet in the background or his dirty bedroom? Not only is it wrong, it lacks absolutely any artistic effort.

Why would anyone do this? The answer to that question is still a mystery to many of us. But I have my theories…

One, the unsolicited dick pic is about power. The power to force your privates on our unsuspecting eyes. The unsolicited dick pic is the new “flasher.”

You see, flashers get off on the power they get from forcing random people (usually women and girls) going about their everyday lives to see their naked bodies. But flashing can come with a heavy price. Shame and jail time.

Oh, but wait! Here comes the age of technology and the unsolicited dick pic is born! Those who are or would be flashers have a new outlet. And those who never dared, finally have a way to do it too. All without repercussions.

“I can flash the ladies my cock all day. Whether they want it or not and they can’t do anything about it. Muahahahaha!”

Now, I’ve talked to some ladies about the unsolicited dick pic and through those conversations, a general consensus has been deduced. Almost all of those pics have been little dicks.

What was that? Little dicks, you say? Yes, little dicks. Cocktail weiners. Pinky fingers. Baby dongs.

Why in the world would a man want to send a photo of his tiny dick to someone? Wouldn’t he want to keep that a secret until the very last minute?

Funny you would ask because that brings me to my second theory. Since it appears that mostly short dicked men are the ones sending the unsolicited dick pics, it would stand to reason that if it’s not because they are a closet flasher, it is for validation.

These men need validation. They need someone to lie to them and tell them they aren’t as small as they really are.

How did I come to this conclusion?

Well, the man I’m currently seeing has a pretty big snausage (yeah, you read that right) and he has never sent a dick pic. He’s never sexted or had phone sex for that matter. He’s a novice to all of it and isn’t entirely comfortable with it. A friend of mine says that her ex has a huge wang and he’s never sent her a dick pic. And like I said before from the conversations I’ve had with many women about the unsolicited dick pics they’ve received, they’re usually of the smaller variety.

Big dick men don’t need validation that they have big dicks. They already know it. Whether they know what to do with it, is a totally different story that I’ve already discussed in a previous post.

I’m not saying that tons of big dick men don’t send dick pics, unsolicited and welcomed. But the simple fact that so many little ones are sent on a constant basis is quite telling.

That goes for the Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic too. You know the guy. The one that has DMed you and you’ve only been talking for two seconds before he’s asking for a nude of you and/or if you want to see a nude of him. You’re super annoyed that he’s so quickly jumped on the sext parade, but for curiosity’s sake (because you’re a freak) you wanna see what he’s working with so you grudgingly accept his request. “I’m not sending you anything. I don’t know you like that, but you can send a pic if you want.” Next thing you know…BOOM! He drops that pic in your DM so quick and you’re like, “Seriously?! This fool wasted my time for this shit?!?!” The Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic is the biggest little dick offender out there.

These men are so damn eager to drop that tiny fucker. It almost appears that they’re proud of that shit. But then while you’re regrouping from laughing or finding a magnifying glass to see that crap better, they drop another line in your DM… “Do you like?” “Is it big enough?” “It’s not too small, is it?” Or some such question. Aka seeking validation. Sometimes you get the delusional ones. “I’ll beat the pussy up.” “Can you handle that?” And so on. That’s just false bravado. They’re still seeking validation, just a little less pathetically. They want you to agree that that shit is magnificent when you know damn well that you’re never going to even waste your time. One, because he didn’t even have the decency to carry on a conversation with you without begging to take it to the next level. Not even attempting to get to know you. Second, unless he has a proven track record of gold medal level cunnilingus, you don’t have time for little dicks.

Maybe we would have if you’d have given us a chance to get to know you first. A woman will give up a lot of things for a good man. Even big dick.

But like I told my friend, from now on when a man sends me an Unsolicited Dick Pic or even a Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic, I’m going to go into my library of ginormous dick pics (for my book research…DUH!) and I’m going to send it in response to theirs with the caption “Eh…I’ve seen better.”

What are your Unsolicited Dick Pic theories? Drop them in the comments.

Playing Sexual Hide & Seek

Peekaboo I see you…

I was just chatting with one of my homegirls about sex and what we like. We both like it a little rough with our men in bed. But alas, the men we’ve encountered are hesitant to take it to that level for fear of hurting us. Which is sweet, mind you. But not what we need sometimes. So she said that she would consider bringing it up on her next first date to get it out of the way up front. To which, I replied that I promised myself that I wouldn’t bring up sex on the first date anymore because I don’t want my date to think that’s all I’m interested in, leading to a booty call, friends with benefits, or one night stand.

The minute I typed it out, it pissed me off. Why can’t I just be myself upfront? I love sex! I love having it. I love writing about it. I love talking about it. I’m a sexual human being, with a healthy appetite. Why do I have to pretend I’m a prude in the beginning just so I can make some weak and close-minded man feel comfortable? So I can be worthy of a relationship? Why can’t I be both sexual and girlfriend material?

This is why y’all asses always find yourselves in bland ass relationships with women who don’t want to have sex with you. You want the illusion of a good girl, maybe even a virgin, and then when you fall into bed, you want her to become your favorite porn star. Umm…nah. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Sorry. I mean, I’m sure it works out in your favor sometimes, but I’ve heard WAY too many sexless relationship horror stories to believe that method actually works out for you guys.

As the perpetual single gal, listening to the complaints of the coupled, I’ve heard it all. More often than not, it’s the same story: Annoyingly horny boyfriend/husband and the low-libido girlfriend/wife.

When will you learn?

Why are men so intimidated by a woman who knows what she wants sexually? Are they afraid that they won’t measure up? That she’ll demand more? Better?

I have noticed that men like to be lazy in bed and are perfectly fine with getting theirs and leaving us hanging. So maybe that prudish or low-libido lady will let you get away with not satisfying her because she’s just ready for you to get it over with?

Whatever it is, I truly wish that men would open their minds and close off their judgment and welcome sexually confident women. Because this double standard of men being allowed to be sexual beings while women are not is what leads to sexual incompatibility and disappointment.

Thoughts? Commentary?

They’re Out of Your League!

Baseball Game

“He’s out of your league.”

I’ve always hated this turn of phrase. Whenever it has been said to me in regards to a guy that I like, it’s like a punch to the gut.

First of all, whose place is it to tell you or anyone else whether or not someone is “out of your league?” Secondly, that’s just rude anyway. Just a slightly more polite way of saying you’re too ugly, too fat, too nerdy, too poor, and so on and so forth.

So a couple of days ago, I was thinking about a past relationship that was very short and didn’t work out. In my mind, I was quick to think that it didn’t work out because I was out of his league and I inwardly cringed because it was a stupid thought. I’m no better than anyone else.

Which got me to thinking, how could we describe it without being so offensive and cruel?

Spheres 1

To me, it’s more like spheres or circles. Each person has a set of characteristics that make them who they are. All of those features are added together within your sphere. Education, looks, body type, job/career, income, goals, intelligence, and whether or not you’re cultured. Obviously, we have other things that factor into who we are as people, but these are the attributes or lack thereof  more often than not that makes someone “out of another’s league.”

Spheres 2

But the reason why saying someone is out of another’s league doesn’t work, is because everyone is going to be better than someone else in another way. And sometimes some of your characteristics are going to match with someone, while other features won’t. It’s up to the individual on whether they’re willing to overlook those differences.

I have my Bachelors degree (which I’ve never really used, mind you), I’m a writer (aka poor for now), I’m cute, I’m chubby, I have average to high intelligence (never officially measured), I love to travel the world, and I have high goals. What makes a man who has the same degree as me, same intelligence level, similar job, high aspirations, somewhat higher income, but drop dead gorgeous with an outstanding body out of my league? What makes me unworthy of him? Because I’m fat? Which doesn’t equate to lazy or inactive, by the way.

Well, I call bullshit on that. If we match in almost every way that matters, as well as personality, what does it matter that I’m fluffy and he’s not?

Or let’s say, he’s smart as a whip, but never went to college, he’s kinda cute with a dad-bod, and has a good job working at the electric company making bank (much more than me). What makes me out of his league? Because I went to college and he did not? Hell, he’s making more than me!

These rules and restrictions we put on each other are ridiculous. Men fear dating fluffy and/or less pretty women because of what their friends, family, and society will say. And women will pass up a great guy because he’s not making the right amount of money her friends, family, and society says he should be making. Or because he doesn’t have the same education level as her.

And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Stop worrying about everyone else, and go with who you know damn well is right for you.

And screw the leagues! We’re all playing on the same diamond (life). Just in different positions. No one position more important than the other. If we learn to play correctly, we just might make the perfect team.

 

P.s. I think half the time when someone tells another person that a guy/girl is out of their league, they’re really saying, “Oh hell no! She/he better not get that hot/wealthy/smart/well-traveled person! There’s no way that he/she is better than me and can pull someone like that when I can’t!” When someone says it, don’t be disheartened. It’s more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves than what they think of you. Jealousy is an ugly and complex thing.