Freak on a Leash

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So I did one of those silly name tests on Facebook the other day. It was one where if you clicked on it, it would show you what type of mate you attract. It “calculated” my profile and said that I attract Freaks. I thought about it and honestly, for the most part out of the men I’ve dated and had relations with, that is totally false.

Now, I don’t expect those tests to be factually correct as much as fun. But when it comes to men and sex, more often than not they are not factually correct. So often women and men flirt and chat about our likes and dislikes sexually. Through texts, face to face dates, or over the phone. At least, I hope everyone is having open and honest discussions about their sexual desires. If you’re not, PLEASE start. It may not be all that a relationship is, but it’s certainly an important part of a relationship.

freak 1Anyway, I find that a man will call himself a freak or hint to the fact that he’s a freak or verbally agrees with my freaky tastes when I tell him about it. Then we’ll finally have sex and I’m wondering where this mythical legend ran off to. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll definitely hit the skins all night long. But loving lots of sex, a freak does not make. Though it helps.

A real freak pushes the boundaries of sex. They love to experiment and try new things. And I’m not just talking about switching up positions. I’m talking real freaky shit. When I say, I want to be tied up, that’s not a figure of speech. Tie my ass up. When I say I want to be spanked, don’t give me some weaksauce love taps, put some stichoking 4ng behind that shit. When I say, I want to be choked, flipping choke me. Sidenote: This is only when asked or it has been previously stated that it’s welcomed. And within the intensity level asked for. This is not an invitation to beat the shit out of someone or choke someone until they pass out or die. 

I told the last guy I was seeing that I liked to be spanked and I wanted to be choked. He talked a good game over the phone and made it seem like he was fully on board. And then when we finally consummated our friends with benefits relationship, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than the standard issue moves.

Everybody’s a freak until they meet a REAL one.

For a real freak, I can’t tell you how disappointing it is to be misled. Mainly, because you think you’ve finally found your sexual equal and you’ve gotten yourself all hyped up for some amazingly freaky shit to go down and…nothing. It’s like fixing your lips to taste some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and you find out you accidentally bought plain ass vanilla.

Just like I mentioned in my previous post, Cunnilingus Impostor, I beg of you, DO NOT pretend that you are into or enjoy something you, in fact, do not. In all aspects of relationships, just be yourself. If you pretend so that you don’t lose the person, you’re going to lose them anyway. when you reveal the real you. And all you did was waste both of your time.

And to men specifically…STOP SAYING YOU’RE A FREAK!!! Just say you like a lot of sex with nothing too crazy involved and keep it moving. Sheesh! Stick to your vanilla counterparts and leave us Double Chocolate Rocky Road Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake ladies alone!

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They’re Out of Your League!

Baseball Game

“He’s out of your league.”

I’ve always hated this turn of phrase. Whenever it has been said to me in regards to a guy that I like, it’s like a punch to the gut.

First of all, whose place is it to tell you or anyone else whether or not someone is “out of your league?” Secondly, that’s just rude anyway. Just a slightly more polite way of saying you’re too ugly, too fat, too nerdy, too poor, and so on and so forth.

So a couple of days ago, I was thinking about a past relationship that was very short and didn’t work out. In my mind, I was quick to think that it didn’t work out because I was out of his league and I inwardly cringed because it was a stupid thought. I’m no better than anyone else.

Which got me to thinking, how could we describe it without being so offensive and cruel?

Spheres 1

To me, it’s more like spheres or circles. Each person has a set of characteristics that make them who they are. All of those features are added together within your sphere. Education, looks, body type, job/career, income, goals, intelligence, and whether or not you’re cultured. Obviously, we have other things that factor into who we are as people, but these are the attributes or lack thereof  more often than not that makes someone “out of another’s league.”

Spheres 2

But the reason why saying someone is out of another’s league doesn’t work, is because everyone is going to be better than someone else in another way. And sometimes some of your characteristics are going to match with someone, while other features won’t. It’s up to the individual on whether they’re willing to overlook those differences.

I have my Bachelors degree (which I’ve never really used, mind you), I’m a writer (aka poor for now), I’m cute, I’m chubby, I have average to high intelligence (never officially measured), I love to travel the world, and I have high goals. What makes a man who has the same degree as me, same intelligence level, similar job, high aspirations, somewhat higher income, but drop dead gorgeous with an outstanding body out of my league? What makes me unworthy of him? Because I’m fat? Which doesn’t equate to lazy or inactive, by the way.

Well, I call bullshit on that. If we match in almost every way that matters, as well as personality, what does it matter that I’m fluffy and he’s not?

Or let’s say, he’s smart as a whip, but never went to college, he’s kinda cute with a dad-bod, and has a good job working at the electric company making bank (much more than me). What makes me out of his league? Because I went to college and he did not? Hell, he’s making more than me!

These rules and restrictions we put on each other are ridiculous. Men fear dating fluffy and/or less pretty women because of what their friends, family, and society will say. And women will pass up a great guy because he’s not making the right amount of money her friends, family, and society says he should be making. Or because he doesn’t have the same education level as her.

And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Stop worrying about everyone else, and go with who you know damn well is right for you.

And screw the leagues! We’re all playing on the same diamond (life). Just in different positions. No one position more important than the other. If we learn to play correctly, we just might make the perfect team.

 

P.s. I think half the time when someone tells another person that a guy/girl is out of their league, they’re really saying, “Oh hell no! She/he better not get that hot/wealthy/smart/well-traveled person! There’s no way that he/she is better than me and can pull someone like that when I can’t!” When someone says it, don’t be disheartened. It’s more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves than what they think of you. Jealousy is an ugly and complex thing.

Round, Brown, and A-broad: Welcome to My European Dream

And How to Find Yours…

Me & The Eiffel Tower

First, let me start by saying; Round, Brown, and A-broad is going to be a blog series within my regular blog about my journey (and future journeys) overseas. About my experiences as not only a female but as a black female who happens to be fluffy. I mean, we all know that the gender you identify with, the color of your skin and the number on the scale can greatly affect your experiences in any given situation. Traveling is no different. And I’ve seen plenty of blogs/vlogs featuring gorgeous slender black women who have ventured abroad. Well, what about us chubs? Well, that’s why I’m here. To find that out.

Recently, I just returned from my very first trip (which was also solo, I might add), to Europe. It was a 20-day tour that encompassed part of the U.K., Italy, and France. So this series will detail my journey with commentary, ratings, tips, photos, and some videos of my trip. Some posts will describe a whole day. While some will be solely about a single incident. They may come daily, weekly, bi-weekly, hell just whenever I feel like telling you about my whirlwind trip. Let’s not get bogged down with strict schedules. That’s not how I operate. Just know that you’ll get a tasty travel treat every now and again.

But first things first. How did I do it? I’ve lived abroad in Japan before when I taught English for a year. But then, I had someone (the company I worked for) meeting me on the other side with a sign and a shuttle bus. With a hotel already booked for our week long training. As well as a ticket already paid for for the bullet train to my assigned city. Going to Europe solo was a whole other situation. All I had were a couple of friends who travel a lot to give me some tips. And keep in mind, up until that point I had never planned and executed a vacation completely on my own before. Yes, I’m 38. Yes, that’s fairly late in life.

So I kicked off my planning with a simple Google search. Scrolling through the options for planning a European trip, I stumbled across the Holy Grail of European vacation planning. RoutePerfect!!!

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This site is the bee’s knees! The interface is user-friendly and super cute. You have tons of options, from using the sliders to adjust your preferences or manually entering the countries and cities you already are interested in. You can choose your budget, how you want to get from Point A to Point B, your dates, and what type of vacay it is (family, romantic, solo, etc.). Then you hit “Price Your Trip” and it will give you a list of available hotels in every city you’ve chosen with the option to swScreenshot (2)itch hotels based on price and/or accommodations. The hotel options are also through TripAdvisor so you can click on the hotel, which will redirect you to their site, and you can see a map of where the hotels are located as well as read reviews. Then, once you’ve picked the right hotels for you, click “Book Your Trip” and they book every hotel in every city all at once. Instead of doing them one at a time. They email you vouchers for each hotel that you print out just in case you’ll need them at the hotel (not all hotels need them).

I’ll admit, at first I was super skeptical of this site. I could barely find any reviews about them other than the testimonials on their site. And who knows if those are paid for or not. But now that I know, believe me, if you see mine, I was not paid for it. And other reviews I saw on other sites were based on how easy it was to play around with, but few had actually booked. So I went out on blind faith that I wouldn’t get my ass over to Europe and end up sleeping on a park bench somewhere.

There was one slight blunder on their part, though. The hotel that I originally chose for my two London stays at the beginning and end of my trip ended up not being available, even though the site said it was. A rep from RoutePerfect contacted me within minutes, they gave me other options that were within my price range and had me booked with those options within 48 hours. They also upgraded me to the executive suite at the first hotel free of charge for the inconvenience. So I was happy.

As far as transportation for roundtrip air to and from Europe as well as flights within Europe, I used Kayak.com. That’s always my go-to site for flights. But I just checked and now RoutePerfect has made it where you can book your flight from their site too! I even compared their prices with Kayak and they seem to be Even-Steven. Definitely an added bonus.

They even have a button to click that takes you to the EuroRail website to book your train tickets. As well as one for booking activities that I either did not see when I planned my trip at the beginning of the year or is a new (and convenient) feature they just added. There’s also a button on the first page that says “Transportation.” Click that and it’ll take you to a site that will give you the average pricing for train, plane, bus, etc for getting you to the different cities/countries you have planned within Europe. So you can see what is the fastest and cheapest option to get from one destination to another. Basically, you can do it all from this one site. And when you’ve decided what you want, you can save your trip for when you’re ready to book. Keep in mind though that the prices and availability are subject to change from minute to minute. So one hotel that you want when you first play around with it, may not be available when you’re ready to book.

Anyway, I know it sounds like one big commercial for RoutePerfect (Hmm…maybe they should be paying me. Ha!), but it really is how I planned my perfect European trip. And if I can help a fellow traveler out there, I will gush all day long about this site.

Stay tuned for my insights and shenanigans from my actual trip.

Until then, Peace, Cheerio, Ciao!, Au Revoir…

The Sex Whisperer

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Recently, I’ve realized that I have a special calling… Sex Whisperer. *says in soft breathy voice*

Let me explain…

Being a woman who has openly and enthusiastically talked about sex since I was a senior in high school, talking to my friends about it every day at lunch, buying PlayGirl magazines, reading bodice-ripper novels and renting NC-17 or X-rated movies in secret once I turned 18; it’s no wonder I write about it for a living. As well as comfortable with the act itself.

Sex has always fascinated me. ALWAYS!!! I can’t remember a time I wasn’t curious about it. Because of that, I am a sexually open woman. I love to try new things to keep it spicy. When I learned what BDSM was, I was like “So that’s what’s wrong with me!” Not that there’s anything wrong with the lifestyle, but that I wanted a little pain with my pleasure and always thought I was strange because of it. It’s an amazing thing when you find your tribe. Though, keep in mind, I haven’t actually been able to get into the lifestyle as of yet.

Why?

Well, because for some odd reason I attract men who are prudes or sexually repressed due to the vanilla women they’ve been with. There’s nothing wrong with prudes or vanilla sex. I just prefer…more.

So anyway, these men that come into my life are dying inside to come out of their shell. Then here I am, outgoing, open-minded, and completely encouraging. And slowly, they emerge out of their shells like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. Sometimes, not so slowly as they come barreling out like a bull out of a bullpen in their excitement. Doing things they’ve never done before. Enjoying sex in a way they haven’t be able to in a long time, if ever.

I am their Sex Whisperer.

They tell me what they’re interested in, almost embarrassed and I listen openly and am usually willing to give it a try. They become more vocal before, during, and after sex. I even make them feel more confident with praise and compliments. Sometimes they find fetishes that they like that they never knew or had the chance to enjoy.

I can see why so many relationships don’t work in regards to sex. People need to be more open about their wants and needs. Ladies, ask your man what he really wants and don’t turn your nose up when he tells you. Just hear him out. Maybe what he wants will be enjoyable for you too. Men, be honest about what you want because if you’re not upfront, you’ll seek it out somewhere else, which will hurt your partner.

And another thing ladies, let your freak flag fly. Stop worrying about what people will think about you. If you’re honest and they don’t like it and walk away, oh well. It’s their loss. You would’ve been miserable anyway. Don’t sexually repress yourself because of what society might think.

As for myself, can I just find a man who is already a freak and doesn’t need to be taught? A man who encourages, praises, and compliments me for a change? I love it and it makes me feel good to uplift a man, but can a sister get some of that in return?

I need some ass-smacking, foul-mouthed talking, neck-choking, rope-tying, flogger-welding, call me Sir Dominant in the bedroom and a sweetheart everywhere else. I got plenty of meat on my bones, I won’t break.

I’m sure he’s out there somewhere. Until then, I guess it’ll be my mission to heal these poor repressed souls.

Sidenote: I know that it’s not always about sex. It’s more about communication and a deep connection with your partner. I want just as much stimulation outside of the bedroom as I do in it. But for the sake of this post, it’s all about the sex. 😉

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World…

 

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I haven’t published a blog post in quite some time because I honestly couldn’t form the words to explain how I have been feeling. Though there have been plenty of blogs and articles I’ve read recently where the writer articulated my feeling perfectly. So I’ll let them handle all that. I, on the other hand, wanted to rant and rave and scream and cry. I did a little bit of everything, except scream. But I was close.

Anyway, in the past three years, the last thing I’ve been too concerned with is finding a man. For the most part, I’ve been entirely too wrapped up in trying to further my writing career to worry about getting into a relationship. But lately, I’ve been feeling the loneliness and slight desperation of being single. I couldn’t really figure out why. And then it hit me.

I’ve been seeking a friend for the end of the world.

Never is it more imperative to be surrounded by love than when tragedy strikes or hard times are imminent. So as I watch Hitler the second coming, build his regime against all people that look like me and other minority groups, I swallow with real fear and look around for anyone to hold my hand…

There is no one.

Don’t get me wrong. I have my parents. But it’s just not the same. My dad needs to focus on protecting my mom and vice versa. They don’t need to be worried about me too. I need my own set of strong and sure arms to seek comfort in and to give comfort back. And I ain’t got it. That’s right. I used ain’t. It fits my mood and the current situation.

We are smack dab in the middle of cuffing season (the chilly time of year where people decide to couple up). But this time, we have more reason than ever to cuff ourselves to someone and for the long haul. All of our futures are unsure at the moment. We have no idea what’s to come. A second Civil War, WWIII, the start of the Hunger Games, nuclear winter, an even worse Great Depression or all of the above. So I say if you can find a pretty damn good person to cuff yourself to. Do it. Do it now!

As for myself… I’m taking applications.

end-of-the-world

 *Side note: I’ll even take a fellow single woman if nothing more than to team up for the apocalypse. Girl Scout training preferable. I’ve watched a lot of Bear Grylls, myself. I’m also pretty smart and resourceful.

Decades…

I often hear people say that they wish they could go back to when they were a little kid or in high school or their 20s. You wanna know what I say? I say, “Fuck that noise!”

First of all, if you’re saying this, it means that you’re not enjoying the decade you’re in. Which always seems to be the case. When we’re kids, many of us can’t wait to be adults. And then when we become adults, we wish we were kids. No one stops to appreciate the now. Well, I have to say with complete honesty, that I loved and pretty much made the most of every single decade I’ve been blessed to have thus far. Well, maybe not my teen years, but I’ll get to that.

The Wonder YearsDecades 1

When I was little, grade school age, I loved it. I enjoyed playing outside, watching cartoons, going on family trips to amusement parks, even school. I ran through the grass, playing hide & seek. I army crawled with my brother in the woods. I ate cookie dough at slumber parties, while watching and reenacting Dirty Dancing. Other than being teased about my weight and getting in trouble with my parents, I loved being a kid.

 

 

The Awkward Years

Decades 22High school was a bit rougher. I was insecure and trying to figure out who I was. A lot of it was bad because I had a friend that wasn’t really a friend. She had my self-esteem so low that I walked down the halls with my head down and not making eye contact with anyone. But then I dropped her and found friends that actually complimented each other and made each other feel good about themselves. That’s when I went to parties, drank a few wine coolers and tried weed for the first time. Not a good experience, by the way. There was a lot of crying and talking about Jesus being ashamed of me. I really don’t wanna talk about it.

The ‘Party Like It’s 1999’ YearsDecades 4

In college and my 20s, I had a great freakin’ time! This was the time of learning to be independent. Well maybe not financially, but being away from my parents as I tried to make decisions on my own. I learned how to drink or how not to drink. I gained life-long friendships. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned about my sexuality. Boy did I ever learn that. Let’s just say, I enjoyed myself. I learned about relationships and how to be a girlfriend. I barely had a care in the world and didn’t think much about my future.

The ‘Time of My Life’ Years

Now, currently in my late 30s, I can say this has been the best decade thus far. I ended my twenties and celebrated my Dirty Thirty in Japan(can’t get much better than that) when I taught English there for a year. I came back to the States and moved back to my hometown in Illinois. After spending time in Japan, Taiwan, and Vietnam, Joliet wasn’t enough for me anymore and I packed up once more and moved across country to Long Beach, California. I spent four years there struggling to make ends meet and then packed up again and moved to Arizona when my parents decided to retire here. Here is where I figured out my calling. Figured out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And the last three years, I’ve been working on building my writing career.

The 30s have been beautiful in so many ways. During this time of travel and self-exploration, I have learned many things. One of the best things I’ve learned is that  I do things in my own time. No one can dictate to me how I live my life. I learned that I don’t have to have a man to feel beautiful or to be happy. I learned that if I don’t want to have kids, I don’t have to have them. And fuck those who say otherwise. I learned what I wanted to do with my life and though it is a constant struggle, I love it. I learned that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, that shit’s just spray painted. Which taught me to stop worrying about keeping up with the Jones, but to outdo myself each and every year. I learned to love me in all my beautiful flaws and glory.

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Onward and Upward

Now my 40s, I’m hoping that it’ll be the decade to appreciate all that I learned and worked towards in my 30s. I’m gonna name it and claim it! So it is written. So it is done.