Model Behavior: The Male Celebrity Cliche

So last night, my parents and I were watching Running Wild with Bear Grylls. His celebrity guest for the night was Mel B of the Spice Girls. She was talking about her children and their dads. One, being Eddie Murphy. My mom Googled him to see who he was married to now. He’s not married, but he recently had another child with some blonde bombshell. My mom checked her out and low and behold…she’s a model. *major eye roll that turned into massive side-eye that then surpassed Resting Bitch Face* Which got me to thinking.

Is there anything more cliche than the male celebrity and his model wife/girlfriend? Like, seriously! Every now and again, and I do mean every now and again, you’ll find a celebrity that will find love with a regular ol’ girl. But for the most part, actors, musicians, athletes, etc all have this problem. And I do consider it a problem.

I’m not saying models aren’t people and that they don’t deserve love like everyone else. But come on, I don’t think anyone needs to advocate for models finding love. I think they got love covered, better than most of us. As far as I can tell, they’re the only ones getting love. It’s as if they get passed out like hor d’oeuvres at parties none of us were invited to.

Anyway, I do see it as a problem, though. I mean, how many of these relationships have actually lasted? Aside from David Bowie and Iman. God rest his soul. It makes sense I suppose for actors to fall in love actresses. Especially if they worked closely together in a movie. Many people find love through their work. But I’m seriously gonna need these men to expand their horizons just a smidge.

I guess it has to do with the male ego. Maybe for many of these guys, they didn’t get the hot girl when they were younger. So now they’re basking in the plethora of pretty pussy surrounding them on the daily. But then every time I turn around these relationships fail. Well, duh! It was based on the physical, to begin with.

Let’s take a look at George Clooney. That man was swimming in a see of pretty pus. Models and everybody else were on his jock like it was the best thing since sliced bread. And absolutely none of them held his interest. Until he met Amal. Now I’m not saying she isn’t model beautiful. But that woman has so much more than looks going for her, it ain’t even funny. He couldn’t help but see her inner glow.

And you have a few others like Vince Vaughn that found himself a normal lady (Real Estate Agent). Matt Damon (Bartender). David Schwimmer (Waitress at the time, now photographer). Jesse Williams (Real Estate Agent).

And even still, all of these wives are very attractive and slender in their own right. I wanna see a celebrity really shake some shit up and marry someone plump and round or plain. Hint, hint. I’m not plain, but I’m definitely round.

Believe me, I’ve had fun with some fine ass dudes with ahhhhhmazing bodies and it wasn’t hard for them to find me attractive. My body was never a problem. Their problem was worrying about the outside world and their opinions.

And hey, even if it isn’t me that catches a fox, I’d still love to see a plump cutie snag one. And I’m not talking about some dweeby C-lister. I’m talking, smokin’ hot A-lister here. For once I’d like to someone the likes of my boo Henry Cavill, Chris Evans, Leonardo DiCaprio (the worst offender), Common, Scott Eastwood, etc fall for some kickass chick that has a dope personality and some extra lady lumps. Instead of always seeking out what society deems acceptable.

Quite frankly, it’s boring.

 

P.S. And I don’t want any commentary about “Well what about the not so hot celebrities? Aren’t you discriminating against them just as much as you’re being discriminated against?” I’d date Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or any guy like them in a heartbeat. But these types of men date models too. So if celebrity DUFFs can date models, why can’t regular DUFFs date hot celebrities? Just saying.

P.S.S. In the grand scheme of things, this subject isn’t that important. But it is a subject that has always bothered me. A lot of these men are role models or just looked up to in general by their average joe counterparts. Maybe if they dated based more on insides than outsides, average joes may follow.

Ha! Who am I kidding?!

Project DIY Platinum (Hair Dye Review)  

Hello, peeps! It’s time for another review. This time, it will be hair dye or bleach technically. Back in May, I buzzed off my colorful Frohawk and decided to start over, wanting to grow my hair out into tapered natural curls. Well, when the barber finished, I loved the buzzed look so much, I decided to keep it. But something was missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I saw a girl in the studio audience of the Steve Harvey Show. Her hair was buzzed as well but dyed a stunning platinum blonde. In that moment, I knew what must be done.

Now, I knew what it was like to bleach my hair from dying it crazy colors before. But this was different. There wouldn’t be any hot pink, purple, or blue to cover up how sh*tty I was at bleaching my hair. Just call me Patches. So I headed to Sally’s to find the right products to achieve awesome platinum glory. When I got there, I’ll just say that the sales girl wasn’t much of a help, unfortunately, which is the main reason I’m doing this review. Maybe if I can save someone the cash and trouble, it’ll be worth it.

Here’s the before (technically this was the first day I got my hair buzzed back in May, but I wanted to show how dark my hair was)…

After using Loreal Excellence HiColor Honey Blonde (Sidenote: My barber has gotten extra clipper happy since my first chop, but I can go once a month instead of twice, so I’m cool with the scalped look. Here it’s so short that you can barely see the color. In fact, I really did look bald because it matched my skin so well)…

 

After AgeBeautiful Golden Blonde (this was the very next day)…

 

Neither one of those products lifted my hair to the blonde I needed and I was starting to get super frustrated. Finally, I went to another Sally’s further away in the hopes of finding a sales rep that was better able to assist me in finding the right dye. Thank God I did! The girl there directed me towards this amazing product…

Common sense would tell you that going with the product called Blond when you’re trying to get blonde is the right way to go. But I was clueless and my original helper didn’t help at all.

 
So armed with the starter kit, I was ready…

 

And man is this stuff legit! Just check out the results…

I still needed to put it through the black test, though. You see, I’d already lifted my hair quite a few shades lighter before using Blond Brilliance. What I needed to know was if it would lighten my hair that high from my natural black or very dark brown hair color. After a week’s worth of new growth, I dyed it again today. This time with the Extra Strength Powder and the Extra Strength 25 Developer (which you’re not supposed to go over their 15 Developer on your scalp, but I’m either brave or really stupid. Either way, I was lucky because it barely tingled).

And here are the results…

 

Even the new baby hairs that have grown out since my last cut and the last dye job that were jet black went platinum! And after only 10 minutes, too!!! I had to leave the other two on for 45 minutes to achieve dark blonde.

This stuff is the bee’s knees. It doesn’t kill you with the chemical smell. It doesn’t practically burn your eyes out from the fumes. The other two above did, especially the AgeBeautiful. Blond Brillance didn’t burn either time I used it. Just a slight tingle. It’s not super expensive and the tools provided in the starter kit are perfect for reuse.

I also use a purple shampoo mixed with some coconut oil to get extra moisture and to make sure the color isn’t too brassy. Blond Brilliance actually has their own toning shampoo and conditioner, but I’d already purchased this when I was helped by the unhelpful sales girl. Ha!

So if you haven’t noticed, I give Blond Brilliance 5 brightly shining 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟, two enthusiastic 👍👍, and three super happy 😆😆😆. The other dyes would work for someone that wants to achieve sedate blonde hues, despite their potent smells and somewhat burning chemicals. But Blond Brilliance also has more products for those that want darker blonde colors. They seem to have it all and totally winning the blonde game.

Now that I’ve reached the color I wanted, I’m totally satisfied with my hair. When I first buzzed it, the look appeared to be an accident or that I was recovering from being sick. I wanted my already bold statement to reflect the fact that it was totally on purpose. And with the blonde, there is absolutely no doubt that my super short locks were 100% my choice and I’m loving every minute of it.

Be bold. Be brave. And rock the style you want with confidence. Till next time…

Schools vs Natural Black Hair

Stop banning natural black hairstyles!

Every few months I read another headline or see another video about a school banning natural black hairstyles. I can’t tell you how irritating this is to me and most of the black population. So I’m writing this blog as a reference for any school board who makes up these discriminatory rules, to check when in doubt.

Let’s start by going over what it takes to straightened black hair, so that you understand why many are opting to go natural. We either need to hot-comb, flat-iron, or chemically relax our hair. Absolutely none of these methods are healthy for ANYONE’S hair. Especially, for a prolonged amount of time.

Case in point…

Our hair can either be chemically burned from our scalps or our hair can thin out permanently. I, myself, have a permanent bald spot on the back of my head, due to a relaxer. Which is why many black women have made the decision to go au naturel and have chosen to keep their daughters’ hair natural as well. This is the crux of the problem. When our hair grows out of our scalps naturally, it grows out, not down like ethnicities with finer hair textures. For whatever reason (I know why, but that’s another post), this is seen as wild, unkempt, unruly, unprofessional, etc. To call what grows naturally out of someone’s hair follicles these nasty things is so wrong on so many levels, I can’t even wrap my head around it. It’s like telling a little brunette girl that her hair color is all wrong and to go bleach it blonde to ‘fit in’ better. You’re basically telling us that how we are naturally is unacceptable. Which is traumatizing to young impressionable kids that are trying to figure out where they fit in this world.

So now, to help the clueless and ignorant, I’m going to take average hairstyles worn by people with finer textured hair and their natural black hair equivalent. Prepare to be schooled…

Messy bob worn down and an Afro:

Ponytail and an AfroPuff:

Pigtails and AfroPuffs:

Bun and Cornrows, basically when parents are too tired to do anything fancy (cornrows can be worn for a week+):

Braid w/ ponytail and Braid w/ Puff:

French braids and Twists:

And let’s not forget about the boys. I’ve heard that a black boy couldn’t go to school because he had a part cut into his hair. Let me take a moment to debunk that nonsense…

Popular undercut style and black boy equivalent:

Shaggy hair cut and dreadlocks:

And there you have it school boards across the country and around the world (that goes for predominantly black schools too). I really hope this helps, because I can’t take another stupid ban on afros, afro puffs, dreadlocks, twists, braids, so on and so forth. Many of these styles are our way of taming and working with what we have naturally in a safe and healthy way. So stop, stop, STOP trying to place us in a box that we don’t fit in. And stop telling our children that their hair isn’t acceptable. They get enough of that garbage when they turn on the TV, get online, or open a magazine. They don’t need it when they go to school and are already trying their best to fit in. You picking them out of the crowd is telling them that they’re ‘other’ and that ‘other’ isn’t good enough. STOP!

***I do not own the rights to these photos.

I’m a D.U.F.F and F*cking Proud of It!

My dad was scrolling through the channel guide and passed by a movie that got me to thinking. I’m not even sure this term is used anymore since these kids change up their lingo quicker than I can change drawers. And yes, I do change them every day. But a few years back there was a teen movie called The DUFF.

D.U.F.F stands for ‘Designated Ugly Fat Friend’.

Now, don’t get my wrong. Never in a million years would I call myself ugly. Hell, I think I’m pretty damn cute. But I am fat. Hey, I live in the real world and I know what the majority of it would say to describe my body. So why even lie.

Anywho. Most of my life, I have been considered the ‘designated fat friend’ by guys, and to be completely honest, my friends too. They don’t have to say it for me to know it. The way they act and the things that they say, speak loud and clear. Example 1: After hiring a personal trainer back in 2005, I had a super hot friend tell me “But I don’t want you to lose weight!” I, of course, gave her a look that said, “Are you f*cking serious right now?!” She quickly backtracked and tried to *hotsplain her way out of it by saying, “Just because I don’t want you to lose your cute chubby cheeks.” Crickets. Not even close to believable or a decent excuse for the original statement. Because a decent friend would want her friend to be healthy and possibly happy (not that losing weight will miraculously make you happy). But I understand her very real fear at the thought of my weight loss…

public-service

There’s also Example 2: When my super hot friend(s) become truly baffled when super hot guys talk to me and not them. So much so that they will go out of their way to blatantly twat-swat me without batting a perfectly mascaraed eyelash.

You see, what our super hot friends know deep down and what takes years for us DUFFs to realize is, we are usually WAY more awesome and amazing than almost all of our super hot friends. Combined!

No, seriously. When you grow up being a DUFF, you:

  1. Learn how NOT to treat amazing guys that your super hot friends treat like sh*t.
  2. Spend more time beautifying your innards than your outtards (I just made that word up).
  3. Get better grades because you’re usually ignored and have plenty of time to study.
  4. Become well read.
  5. Hone your hobbies.
  6. Somehow, become absolutely hilarious (I guess we’re coming up with jokes before anyone else can).
  7. Become a phenomenal conversationalist because you have to entertain guys that are in line to try and get with your super hot friend(s). (Which I actually have a theory to this that I just came up with. These guys think your super hot friend(s) is WAY more interesting than she actually is because you’ve drawn him in with your stunning and charming wit and they somehow meld your super hot friend and you together in their mind, thinking she’s perfect)
  8. You become independent because guys are too busy helping your super hot friends change a tire to help you with yours.
  9.  You find confidence and a love of self, based solely on how you see yourself, not based on how men see you. So in turn, we are usually more confident and have more self-esteem than the super hot friend(s), who are usually waiting on being validated by men.
  10. You focus on bettering your life, in general. Which includes traveling, building up your empire, finding the meaning of life, etc.

So during learning and experiencing all these things we, in turn, become more interesting and incredible. If we suddenly lost our weight and/or jazzed up our appearance, becoming the super hot friend, heads would literally explode. Our formally super hot friends would spit nails and the guys that ignored us would flip a lid. Not that we’d even be interested in them. If they were stupid enough to ignore us when we were still the DUFF, I’d like to believe that we’re smart enough to recognize clueless and fickle men.

But we shouldn’t have to lose one single pound to be recognized for the amazing women we are. Guys, I promise you, if you take the time to get to know the DUFF instead of the super hot friend, your life may change in ways you couldn’t have ever imagined. Because, as I’ve said before, beauty fades. And when it does, that super hot girl you were dying for will have you dying of boredom as she tries to figure out a cure to fix her aging face and body. While us DUFFs will be bungee jumping off of bridges (Not me, I’m not that crazy. But I’d go zip-lining!), having philosophical discussions at a cafe in Paris, arguing about which superhero is better at Comic-Con, and learning new maneuvers to please our man in bed.

The choice is yours. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

*Hotsplain- (of a hot chick) to explain something to someone, typically a non-hot chick, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.

**Disclaimer: Not all super hot friends are clueless people and not all DUFFs are amazing unicorns.

WTF…Prom?!?!

Prom. I’ll say it again…Prom. Can someone please tell me what the hell happened to Prom?! I’m sure just about anyone on social media has seen the spectacle that is Prom 2016. I can’t. I just can’t.

You know what? Yes, the hell I can!

Before I begin, this post will be picture and video free because these are kids we’re talking about. And I refuse to put children on blast.

Now, I saw a few years back that Prom-posals were on the rise. For anyone that happens along this blog post that doesn’t know what that is, well I’ll tell ya. A Prom-posal is where a boy will ask a girl to the prom but in a similar fashion as a man asking a woman to marry him. And these Prom-posals have gotten bigger, crazier, and more elaborate which each passing year. What in the hell do these girls have to look forward to when they actually get proposed to for marriage? Anyway, the Prom-posal was the start of the downfall of the institution of Prom.

Next up, the dresses. Some of these dresses are just too much. The hoochie level is at an all-time high for ones so young. And then they’re matching with their dates on a level I’ve never seen. I can’t even imagine how much that is costing their parents.

And last, but most certainly not least, the dress reveals these kids and their parents are doing. I saw a video of a girl hidden inside a white coffin and they opened the top to reveal her in her dress. Pause. Go back and reread that sentence. Yep, you read it right. She came out of a COFFIN!!! Who does that?! And don’t they know that’s bad karma? Ugh! Then there was a girl that had dancers that performed a routine to Beyonce’s Formation on the stairs out front of this girl’s house. Then she slowly made her way out of the house and struck numerous poses on the landing, then walked down the steps to the sidewalk and posed some more as if she was on a runway during New York Fashion Week. Sigh…

Let me start off by saying, this is a free country and you can do whatever you want to do and whatever makes you happy. With that being said…What in the ever loving FUCK!!! I am so utterly disgusted with the direction our society is headed. Can you not see how destructive this behavior is? Maybe with marriage on the decline, kids are feeling this will be their only opportunity to even get to do something close to a wedding. But in reality, it is starting a trend that is going to be so incredibly hard to maintain.

This new I-need-to-top-the-next-person way of life through social media is only adding more and more pressure to this generation of young people and all the kids after them. I wanna be prettier. I wanna be richer. I wanna have the best party. I wanna have a wider thigh gap. I wanna… I wanna… I wanna. The only thing you’re gonna get is a massive case of depression, because it is nearly impossible to be and/or stay on top.

I’m so grateful that I don’t have or want any kids because I swear they’d be the lamest kids in school. I am not one for keeping up with the Joneses, the Smiths or the Kardashians. I give zero fucks what people have to say. Which is why I’m so disturbed by this overly superficial and materialistic path we’re headed down. Nothing good can come from it.

P.S. I changed my mind. I decided to add one picture. This is me with two of my best friends at our prom. Circa 1997.

Prom

Senior Prom ’97- My friend on the left rented a Cinderella dress and the Prince Charming suit for her boyfriend and did her own hair. My friend in the middle got a normal prom dress. And as for me, I was so self-conscious about my body and there were no options for plus-size girls back then so I was forced to wear a feminine and flowy sack, which I of course hated. But it was still only like 80 bucks and I still had a great time with my friends. Which in the end, is all that matters.

 

My Hair Journey…

…And Realizing that Hair Does Not Equate Femininity.

In this installment of Insightful Saturdays, I want to talk about hair. Bear with me, I have a bit to cover.

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Getting ready for the hot comb

Being a female, so much of our beauty is wrapped up in our hair. And when I was a little girl, one of my first memories involving my hair was having my mom pull down a few strands of hair in the back and stretching them down my back to see how long my hair was. My ultimate goal was to have long hair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Like most little Black girls back in the 80s, my hair was natural and my mom straightened it weekly or bi-weekly with a hot comb that was heated on the stove. In other words, sheer torture. When I was about seven-years-old, my mom finally let me get my hair relaxed. I was so happy to finally get a more “adult” and easier way to do my hair.

fb_img_1464975713261.jpgHair 1

Hair 2

Don’t make fun of my “Glamour Shots” photo

During my 22-year love affair with Creamy Crack, as relaxer is now fondly called, I tried all different types of styles, cuts, curling irons, deep wavers and crimpers, flat-irons, braids, sew-ins, glue-ins, fusion, etc. Damn near everything! I loved my relaxed hair. I had learned how to moisturize without overdoing it so that my hair swung and moved like someone with finer hair. I remember in high school, another Black girl asked me how I got my hair to swing like a white girl’s hair.

But once I turned 29, I wanted something different. A girl I worked wore her hair natural and it was glorious. It was this voluminous curly fro that framed her face to perfection. And it got me to wondering, “What does my hair look like natural?” So I decided to Transition from creamy crack to a naturalista. I was tired of paying high prices and giving up my entire Saturday to look pretty. But I found that the Transition wasn’t going to work out for me after an extra two weeks of new growth had grown in and when I tried to comb my hair it was extremely painful and hair was falling out by the handfuls. So I decided to say, “Screw it! I’m doing the big chop.” Luckily, I’ve always had a motto for my hair that I’ve lived by almost my whole life, “It’ll grow back.” So I wasn’t too nervous about buzzing it all off. But just in case, I did buy a cute little asymmetrical wig. You see, I’m short and round, and I knew that more than likely getting my hair buzzed off would make me look like a butch lesbian. I’m cool with the LGBTQ community, always have been, but that didn’t mean I wanted to look like a lesbian.

I wore that wig for about a good week before I again said, “Screw it!” I can’t do wigs. They just irritate my scalp and I always feel like a liar. I felt that way when I wore extensions as well. I’m not downing anyone who loves wigs and weave. It’s just not for me on a long-term basis. So I just let my bald head shine. I felt a bit awkward, but I knew it would grow back.

Luckily, I did cut it all off and went natural, because a few months later, I got a job teaching English in Japan. I knew there wouldn’t be anyone who could relax my hair for me or a place where I could buy relaxer and do it myself. So going natural was a Godsend.

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During that time frame, I learned a lot about my hair. I learned that I absolutely LOVED it in its natural state. The tiny corkscrew curls. How soft it could be. How it framed my round face and chubby cheeks. It was pure awesomeness. Until it wasn’t.

People who say, at least initially, that going natural is cheaper than getting your hair relaxed, is a lie! Just trying to find the right products that work for your specific hair texture is a pain in the ass. And I swear no two afros are alike. In my head alone, I have about 3 or 4 different textures. I go from a 3c to a 4c all in one head. WTF?!?!

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So after being completely natural for nearly two years, I chopped it off again and got a texturizer. That lasted for only so long before I wanted my fro again. So once more I grew it out. I kept it in its full glory for about 5 years, with a cute tapered cut towards the end.

 

 

 

 

imageAt one point, I was ready to call it quits once more, but then found the ‘shingling’ wash-n-go method and I was overjoyed. The twist-outs, Bantu knots, roller sets, etc were just too much. It took a whole dang day to do them and dry them and after that, the styles would only be cute for a day or two if you were lucky, unless you redid them every night. I can’t. I just can’t.

 

 

imageHair 3imageSo I rocked those rock hard corkscrew curls for a couple more years. Then I got laid off my job and I decided to give writing full-time a shot. That’s when I got creative with my hair and had more fun with it than I’d ever had in the past. With no corporate job or boss breathing down my neck, I cut my hair into a frohawk and then started dying it crazy colors. I’m proud to say that I laid that ish out! And I got more compliments on that colorful frohawk than on any style I’ve had to date.

But of course with crazy colored hair, you have to bleach it. In which, bleaching is no bueno on your hair and keeping those colors up was a lot of work, since they faded very quickly. After a year, it was time to give it up. That is when I decided I wanted to start all over and grow out a cute, short natural tapered cut.

I got all my pictures ready on Pinterest to show the barber and scheduled my appointment. When I got there and he looked at my head, he told me that in order to begin the growing out process into the tapered cut, I was gonna have to cut it super low. To which I said, “That’s cool.” Remember my motto, ‘It’ll grow back.’

When he finished that cut and turned that chair around for me to see, I fell in love with myself all over again. My round apple head looked so cute. I just looked like a mature, confident woman. Immediately I said, “Oh, I love it! I’m so keeping this for a while.” Along with wanting something new and my hair being damaged, I had been working out since the start of the year, trying to change my lifestyle. I’d recently injured my foot and ankle and working out had become almost unbearable, but I didn’t want to give up all the progress I had made. So I had been thinking about swimming instead, but didn’t know how I was going to pull it off with my bleached hair. Now being nearly bald, the problem was instantly solved.

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Last Thursday marked two weeks since I buzzed my hair. I went back to the barber and he was surprised that I wanted him to cut it back low again. But these past weeks have been glorious in so many ways. First off, I swam 5 days a week for three weeks and didn’t have a care in the world. Second, every day that I woke up, I walked into the bathroom and brushed my hair and was done. One minute…tops! Maybe 5, if I add a little gel to it. Third, and the whole reason for this post, I found my femininity and it has absolutely nothing to do with hair.

It is really hard to explain, but so often we women think that in order to be womanly or feminine, we have to have long hair. That is such a lie! Try being feminine when you don’t have hair to flip, toss, or hide behind seductively. When I see women rocking short cuts or barely there hair, I think they look more fierce and more feminine than those hiding behind long locks. When you’re not hiding behind hair, all you have is your face and the way you move. And I’ve never felt more womanly, more beautiful, more confident, or more badass, quite frankly, than I do with barely a centimeter of hair.
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And the best part is… A whole new world is opened to me with practically no hair. Not only can I be more feminine on my own terms, but I can go anywhere, do anything, and try everything without worrying about my dang ol’ hair. Now that’s worth its weight in gold!!!