Attack of the Unsolicited D*ck Pic!!!

headache

Photo Source: Huffington Post

 

You never know when it’s gonna hit. There you are, just minding your business, when…BAM! You’re hit with the unsolicited dick pic.

You’re frightened. Confused. And lastly, disgusted.

Who is this random person who thought it was a good idea to send you a picture of his junk with a toilet in the background or his dirty bedroom? Not only is it wrong, it lacks absolutely any artistic effort.

Why would anyone do this? The answer to that question is still a mystery to many of us. But I have my theories…

One, the unsolicited dick pic is about power. The power to force your privates on our unsuspecting eyes. The unsolicited dick pic is the new “flasher.”

You see, flashers get off on the power they get from forcing random people (usually women and girls) going about their everyday lives to see their naked bodies. But flashing can come with a heavy price. Shame and jail time.

Oh, but wait! Here comes the age of technology and the unsolicited dick pic is born! Those who are or would be flashers have a new outlet. And those who never dared, finally have a way to do it too. All without repercussions.

“I can flash the ladies my cock all day. Whether they want it or not and they can’t do anything about it. Muahahahaha!”

Now, I’ve talked to some ladies about the unsolicited dick pic and through those conversations, a general consensus has been deduced. Almost all of those pics have been little dicks.

What was that? Little dicks, you say? Yes, little dicks. Cocktail weiners. Pinky fingers. Baby dongs.

Why in the world would a man want to send a photo of his tiny dick to someone? Wouldn’t he want to keep that a secret until the very last minute?

Funny you would ask because that brings me to my second theory. Since it appears that mostly short dicked men are the ones sending the unsolicited dick pics, it would stand to reason that if it’s not because they are a closet flasher, it is for validation.

These men need validation. They need someone to lie to them and tell them they aren’t as small as they really are.

How did I come to this conclusion?

Well, the man I’m currently seeing has a pretty big snausage (yeah, you read that right) and he has never sent a dick pic. He’s never sexted or had phone sex for that matter. He’s a novice to all of it and isn’t entirely comfortable with it. A friend of mine says that her ex has a huge wang and he’s never sent her a dick pic. And like I said before from the conversations I’ve had with many women about the unsolicited dick pics they’ve received, they’re usually of the smaller variety.

Big dick men don’t need validation that they have big dicks. They already know it. Whether they know what to do with it, is a totally different story that I’ve already discussed in a previous post.

I’m not saying that tons of big dick men don’t send dick pics, unsolicited and welcomed. But the simple fact that so many little ones are sent on a constant basis is quite telling.

That goes for the Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic too. You know the guy. The one that has DMed you and you’ve only been talking for two seconds before he’s asking for a nude of you and/or if you want to see a nude of him. You’re super annoyed that he’s so quickly jumped on the sext parade, but for curiosity’s sake (because you’re a freak) you wanna see what he’s working with so you grudgingly accept his request. “I’m not sending you anything. I don’t know you like that, but you can send a pic if you want.” Next thing you know…BOOM! He drops that pic in your DM so quick and you’re like, “Seriously?! This fool wasted my time for this shit?!?!” The Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic is the biggest little dick offender out there.

These men are so damn eager to drop that tiny fucker. It almost appears that they’re proud of that shit. But then while you’re regrouping from laughing or finding a magnifying glass to see that crap better, they drop another line in your DM… “Do you like?” “Is it big enough?” “It’s not too small, is it?” Or some such question. Aka seeking validation. Sometimes you get the delusional ones. “I’ll beat the pussy up.” “Can you handle that?” And so on. That’s just false bravado. They’re still seeking validation, just a little less pathetically. They want you to agree that that shit is magnificent when you know damn well that you’re never going to even waste your time. One, because he didn’t even have the decency to carry on a conversation with you without begging to take it to the next level. Not even attempting to get to know you. Second, unless he has a proven track record of gold medal level cunnilingus, you don’t have time for little dicks.

Maybe we would have if you’d have given us a chance to get to know you first. A woman will give up a lot of things for a good man. Even big dick.

But like I told my friend, from now on when a man sends me an Unsolicited Dick Pic or even a Grudgingly-Solicited Dick Pic, I’m going to go into my library of ginormous dick pics (for my book research…DUH!) and I’m going to send it in response to theirs with the caption “Eh…I’ve seen better.”

What are your Unsolicited Dick Pic theories? Drop them in the comments.

Playing Sexual Hide & Seek

Peekaboo I see you…

I was just chatting with one of my homegirls about sex and what we like. We both like it a little rough with our men in bed. But alas, the men we’ve encountered are hesitant to take it to that level for fear of hurting us. Which is sweet, mind you. But not what we need sometimes. So she said that she would consider bringing it up on her next first date to get it out of the way up front. To which, I replied that I promised myself that I wouldn’t bring up sex on the first date anymore because I don’t want my date to think that’s all I’m interested in, leading to a booty call, friends with benefits, or one night stand.

The minute I typed it out, it pissed me off. Why can’t I just be myself upfront? I love sex! I love having it. I love writing about it. I love talking about it. I’m a sexual human being, with a healthy appetite. Why do I have to pretend I’m a prude in the beginning just so I can make some weak and close-minded man feel comfortable? So I can be worthy of a relationship? Why can’t I be both sexual and girlfriend material?

This is why y’all asses always find yourselves in bland ass relationships with women who don’t want to have sex with you. You want the illusion of a good girl, maybe even a virgin, and then when you fall into bed, you want her to become your favorite porn star. Umm…nah. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Sorry. I mean, I’m sure it works out in your favor sometimes, but I’ve heard WAY too many sexless relationship horror stories to believe that method actually works out for you guys.

As the perpetual single gal, listening to the complaints of the coupled, I’ve heard it all. More often than not, it’s the same story: Annoyingly horny boyfriend/husband and the low-libido girlfriend/wife.

When will you learn?

Why are men so intimidated by a woman who knows what she wants sexually? Are they afraid that they won’t measure up? That she’ll demand more? Better?

I have noticed that men like to be lazy in bed and are perfectly fine with getting theirs and leaving us hanging. So maybe that prudish or low-libido lady will let you get away with not satisfying her because she’s just ready for you to get it over with?

Whatever it is, I truly wish that men would open their minds and close off their judgment and welcome sexually confident women. Because this double standard of men being allowed to be sexual beings while women are not is what leads to sexual incompatibility and disappointment.

Thoughts? Commentary?

Cunnilingus Impostor

cunnilingus sketch

Nothing irritates me more than fake, phony, fraudulent people. Especially, when it comes to sex.

You see, I am who I am. Always have been and always will be. I don’t lie about myself or pretend to be something I’m not. That goes for in the bedroom as well.

If I tell a man that I enjoy bringing him pleasure through oral, you best believe that when the times comes, I will prove it.

We all do it. Have the conversation before we tumble into the bedroom. We brag and boast about our sexual prowess. We exchange likes and dislikes to see if we’re compatible sexually before we ever reach the bed or car or shower or wherever you end up.

Okay, maybe myself and other sexually open people have these discussions. Though I honestly think everyone should have honest and open talks about sex beforehand.

Anyway, we have these conversations and begin to get excited that we’ve found our sexual match. “Oh my gosh! He likes what I like.” Even better for a woman, “He likes going down. No…he loves going down!” It’s a rare treat to find.

You get all hyped up, ready for your date. You shower and spend extra time preparing Priscilla (Yeah, that’s right. I named her Priscilla). You meticulously shave her. Make sure she’s so fresh and so clean. You may even give her a taste and a smell with your index finger, just to be sure. All’s good in the neighborhood. You’re ready.

Your date has come to an end and it’s Go-time. You excuse yourself to the bathroom to give yourself another sniff and taste test. Still good to go. You come back out. You kiss passionately. So far so good. Clothes start coming off. Touches and kisses down the body ensue. He’s almost there. Then finally, he reaches the promise land. You mentioned during one of your talks that it takes you a while to come. And he responded with, “It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I love eating p*ssy. I’ll stay down there an hour if I need to.”

So now is the moment you’ve been banking on. Now is the time for him to prove it. It’s been five minutes tops (more like 2 or 3, but I’m trying to be generous) and he’s not doing too badly. Then suddenly he raises up and starts kissing back up your body.

Wait, what?! That’s it?!?! You scream in your head.

Disappointment floods you and taints the rest of the sexual encounter. You know without cunnilingus, you more than likely won’t come at all. Sidenote: About 80% of women can’t orgasm internally. At least not without the assistance of stimulation to the clit.

You like the guy because he seems like a stand-up individual in every other way. So just for good measure and against your better judgment, when it’s time to go down on him, you put it down just like you told him you would. He is f*cking dazzled. You think that maybe that would guilt him into improving for next time.

It doesn’t.

You realize…You’ve been bamboozled. Lied to. Scammed.

This mofo loves cunnilingus about as much as most of us like kale. It’s alright, but not something I want to eat all the time and in large quantities.

“I’ll f*ck it, but I ain’t eating it.” That’s what I think most men feel.

The biggest problem for me and I’m sure some other women out there is that I’ve seen the promise land. Hell, I’ve been there. And it was glorious. For any woman who has been with a man who actually loves cunnilingus. Who actually adores and worships p*ssy. You’ve been spoiled and ruined.

My ex was an a**hole, but that man could eat like a fat kid at a buffet. The first time, took forever. Like many females, you’re so in your head, worried about taking too long or if you smell and taste okay, that we almost never come the first time he goes down. But my ex went down at the beginning of the movie Hildago (Ha!) and was still going when that damn horse crossed the finish line. Unfortunately, I didn’t cross my finish line. But it was not from lack of trying on his part. But that’s how dedicated he was to getting me off. The next time we were together, though it still took me a while, I was finally able to reach that peak. It was glorious.

I used to say all the time that he would figuratively strap on an oxygen tank, slap on some goggles, and go down like he was deep sea diving.

When he went down he NEVER came back up without me finishing first. Even when I’d tell him to give up because I was taking too long. And that goes for the boyfriend I had before him.

So twice, I was blessed with cunnilingus experts. I know one when I feel one. You can’t pretend with me. You can’t fake that kind of dedication. That kind of praise to the p*ssy.

So men, or anyone about to crack their lips to tell a sexual lie, rethink it and be honest. Because she/he is going to find out anyway. And all it will do is disappoint.

Set her expectations low and aim higher than that. Don’t promise her the world and then give her a blade of grass.

The Sex Whisperer

sex-whisperer

Recently, I’ve realized that I have a special calling… Sex Whisperer. *says in soft breathy voice*

Let me explain…

Being a woman who has openly and enthusiastically talked about sex since I was a senior in high school, talking to my friends about it every day at lunch, buying PlayGirl magazines, reading bodice-ripper novels and renting NC-17 or X-rated movies in secret once I turned 18; it’s no wonder I write about it for a living. As well as comfortable with the act itself.

Sex has always fascinated me. ALWAYS!!! I can’t remember a time I wasn’t curious about it. Because of that, I am a sexually open woman. I love to try new things to keep it spicy. When I learned what BDSM was, I was like “So that’s what’s wrong with me!” Not that there’s anything wrong with the lifestyle, but that I wanted a little pain with my pleasure and always thought I was strange because of it. It’s an amazing thing when you find your tribe. Though, keep in mind, I haven’t actually been able to get into the lifestyle as of yet.

Why?

Well, because for some odd reason I attract men who are prudes or sexually repressed due to the vanilla women they’ve been with. There’s nothing wrong with prudes or vanilla sex. I just prefer…more.

So anyway, these men that come into my life are dying inside to come out of their shell. Then here I am, outgoing, open-minded, and completely encouraging. And slowly, they emerge out of their shells like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. Sometimes, not so slowly as they come barreling out like a bull out of a bullpen in their excitement. Doing things they’ve never done before. Enjoying sex in a way they haven’t be able to in a long time, if ever.

I am their Sex Whisperer.

They tell me what they’re interested in, almost embarrassed and I listen openly and am usually willing to give it a try. They become more vocal before, during, and after sex. I even make them feel more confident with praise and compliments. Sometimes they find fetishes that they like that they never knew or had the chance to enjoy.

I can see why so many relationships don’t work in regards to sex. People need to be more open about their wants and needs. Ladies, ask your man what he really wants and don’t turn your nose up when he tells you. Just hear him out. Maybe what he wants will be enjoyable for you too. Men, be honest about what you want because if you’re not upfront, you’ll seek it out somewhere else, which will hurt your partner.

And another thing ladies, let your freak flag fly. Stop worrying about what people will think about you. If you’re honest and they don’t like it and walk away, oh well. It’s their loss. You would’ve been miserable anyway. Don’t sexually repress yourself because of what society might think.

As for myself, can I just find a man who is already a freak and doesn’t need to be taught? A man who encourages, praises, and compliments me for a change? I love it and it makes me feel good to uplift a man, but can a sister get some of that in return?

I need some ass-smacking, foul-mouthed talking, neck-choking, rope-tying, flogger-welding, call me Sir Dominant in the bedroom and a sweetheart everywhere else. I got plenty of meat on my bones, I won’t break.

I’m sure he’s out there somewhere. Until then, I guess it’ll be my mission to heal these poor repressed souls.

Sidenote: I know that it’s not always about sex. It’s more about communication and a deep connection with your partner. I want just as much stimulation outside of the bedroom as I do in it. But for the sake of this post, it’s all about the sex. 😉

Model Behavior: The Male Celebrity Cliche

So last night, my parents and I were watching Running Wild with Bear Grylls. His celebrity guest for the night was Mel B of the Spice Girls. She was talking about her children and their dads. One, being Eddie Murphy. My mom Googled him to see who he was married to now. He’s not married, but he recently had another child with some blonde bombshell. My mom checked her out and low and behold…she’s a model. *major eye roll that turned into massive side-eye that then surpassed Resting Bitch Face* Which got me to thinking.

Is there anything more cliche than the male celebrity and his model wife/girlfriend? Like, seriously! Every now and again, and I do mean every now and again, you’ll find a celebrity that will find love with a regular ol’ girl. But for the most part, actors, musicians, athletes, etc all have this problem. And I do consider it a problem.

I’m not saying models aren’t people and that they don’t deserve love like everyone else. But come on, I don’t think anyone needs to advocate for models finding love. I think they got love covered, better than most of us. As far as I can tell, they’re the only ones getting love. It’s as if they get passed out like hor d’oeuvres at parties none of us were invited to.

Anyway, I do see it as a problem, though. I mean, how many of these relationships have actually lasted? Aside from David Bowie and Iman. God rest his soul. It makes sense I suppose for actors to fall in love actresses. Especially if they worked closely together in a movie. Many people find love through their work. But I’m seriously gonna need these men to expand their horizons just a smidge.

I guess it has to do with the male ego. Maybe for many of these guys, they didn’t get the hot girl when they were younger. So now they’re basking in the plethora of pretty pussy surrounding them on the daily. But then every time I turn around these relationships fail. Well, duh! It was based on the physical, to begin with.

Let’s take a look at George Clooney. That man was swimming in a see of pretty pus. Models and everybody else were on his jock like it was the best thing since sliced bread. And absolutely none of them held his interest. Until he met Amal. Now I’m not saying she isn’t model beautiful. But that woman has so much more than looks going for her, it ain’t even funny. He couldn’t help but see her inner glow.

And you have a few others like Vince Vaughn that found himself a normal lady (Real Estate Agent). Matt Damon (Bartender). David Schwimmer (Waitress at the time, now photographer). Jesse Williams (Real Estate Agent).

And even still, all of these wives are very attractive and slender in their own right. I wanna see a celebrity really shake some shit up and marry someone plump and round or plain. Hint, hint. I’m not plain, but I’m definitely round.

Believe me, I’ve had fun with some fine ass dudes with ahhhhhmazing bodies and it wasn’t hard for them to find me attractive. My body was never a problem. Their problem was worrying about the outside world and their opinions.

And hey, even if it isn’t me that catches a fox, I’d still love to see a plump cutie snag one. And I’m not talking about some dweeby C-lister. I’m talking, smokin’ hot A-lister here. For once I’d like to someone the likes of my boo Henry Cavill, Chris Evans, Leonardo DiCaprio (the worst offender), Common, Scott Eastwood, etc fall for some kickass chick that has a dope personality and some extra lady lumps. Instead of always seeking out what society deems acceptable.

Quite frankly, it’s boring.

 

P.S. And I don’t want any commentary about “Well what about the not so hot celebrities? Aren’t you discriminating against them just as much as you’re being discriminated against?” I’d date Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, or any guy like them in a heartbeat. But these types of men date models too. So if celebrity DUFFs can date models, why can’t regular DUFFs date hot celebrities? Just saying.

P.S.S. In the grand scheme of things, this subject isn’t that important. But it is a subject that has always bothered me. A lot of these men are role models or just looked up to in general by their average joe counterparts. Maybe if they dated based more on insides than outsides, average joes may follow.

Ha! Who am I kidding?!

Douche Repellent

I realized something today. Almost everything that I am and all I have done, especially in the last 3 years, has effectively turned me into douche repellent. Keep in mind that setting up your life and your person as douche repellent may mean you’ll be single more often than not. But I’ve found that ultimately, I’d rather be single than dating a douche. So here are my examples of applying douche repellent:

  1.  My weight. Being a chubby woman has steered many a dick away from me. They’re too shallow to be a chubby chaser, so they leave me alone. While they find some slender girl to browbeat emotionally when she gains a pound. I’ve actually heard some of my guy friends say that if their wives gain weight, they’d leave her. How sh*tty is that?!  I’d rather a man fall in love with me gloriously fluffy and I possibly lose weight down the road than to lose all my weight, get a man, and then possibly settle into life and gain my weight back and he becomes turned off.
  2. My education. Now, I’m not saying that uneducated men are automatically douches. But there are those men who are intimidated by an educated woman, being that they’re chauvinistic pigs. Which sends them scurrying in the opposite direction. Though, we do have to beware of the F*ckbois that want to use us to pay their bills.
  3. My career choice. I write Erotic Romance for a living. Sex. Many a sexually selfish a$$hole will avoid me because of it. So any man that isn’t coming correct in bed is going to be hesitant to talk to me. Also, if they, their families and friends are judgy jerks, they’ll stay away. Imagine telling the fam what you do for a living at a dinner party or barbecue. Oh, the horror!
  4. My hair. As of right now, it’s buzzed super short and dyed platinum blonde. And before that, it was in a multi-colored mohawk. Both hairstyles are for confident women that really don’t give a f*ck about what people think. Also, for someone who’s not paying close attention, they may assume I’m lesbian. But I do believe that it takes just as confident of a man to date a woman with edgy hairstyles as it is to actually be the woman with the edgy style. Because you know that he’s going to get commentary from the people he knows.

So aside from building up an invisible wall against douchebags, I’m also setting myself up for the type of man I want. A man that loves me with all my curves, lumps and bumps. A man that adores the inner workings of my mind. A man that grins secretly and winks at me when we tell people what I do for a living, because he knows that I try out some of the scenes on him as research. A man that rubs my near bald head and kisses it lovingly before heading off to work.

That’s the man I want. Douches need not apply.

P.S. This method is not foolproof. Some douches in disguise can slip through your defenses. But building up your confidence as a single woman, developing an air tight Bullsh*t-O-Meter, and cutting off potentially unhealthy relationships like an episode of Chopped before you get in too deep, helps as well.

P.S.S. For my fellow curvy girls- Some men will think that just because you’re chubby that you’re desperate. They will try to get into your good graces and heart just to use you. For your car, a place to stay, money, etc. This is why it is also imperative that you build up your confidence being a curvy girl and single woman. Just remember: Extra meat does not equal desperate. It equals more to love. That’s it, that’s all.

Team Petty

Okay, this is going to be a short one, but I had to say it after viewing a couple of pictures on Facebook. And what I’m about to say, is going to solidly put me on team petty. But I’m also on the Zero F*cks Team, so… Here goes nothing.

A small part of me- Who am I kidding? A large part of me rejoices inside when I see guys that I used to like or crushed on back in the day that didn’t give me a shot because I wasn’t the “standard of beauty,” who are just as fat and roly-poly as me now. Ha!

And I’m not talking about the guys I had crushes on that didn’t give me the time of day. I knew when a guy didn’t find me attractive in the least. I’m talking about the guys that flirted with me, were willing to make-out with me or that I was intimate with or who wanted to get intimate with me behind closed doors. Yeah, those guys. Almost every lady-D.U.F.F in the history of the world has been through this.

There’s nothing worse than a man being attracted to you, but he denies it because he’s worried about what his friends or other people are gonna think. That is the lowest of douchebags.

So to see that guy you adored, turn into a full-fledged D.U.F.F himself, is the best thing since sliced bread. Karma gave you a Dad Bod! Just saying…

Muahahahahahaha!!!

#TeamPetty