Things that Make You Go…Hmm. And Then Call Bullsh*t!

Thinking woman

Photo source: Fotolia.com / Artist: Rido

So time and time again, Black women are cast aside for women of other races. Many black men are turning up their noses at us like they weren’t raised by or grew up with us. And men of other races are often hesitant to make advances towards us for fear or seemingly out of lack of interest. Well, I’m here to tell ya, I call bullsh*t! And the source for my reasons on calling BS will probably surprise you.

Whether people want to admit it or not, we watch a crap ton of porn. It can be quite surprising to know those who log onto porn sites. Well in 2015, some data was collected by the pretty popular site, PornHub. Buzzfeed created a video with the stats and I was floored by the results. To sum up the points I’d like to make:

They calculated the Top 3 Searched Categories by men. The 3rd most searched category? Ebony

With men making up 76% of the viewers, the #1 (NUMBER FREAKIN’ 1!!!) searched category by all viewers age 35-44? Black 

And the #3 searched category by all viewers age 55-64? Black

Now 24% of those viewers, granted, are female (mind you the top 3 categories for women are Lesbian/Gay(Male)/Big D*ck). But still that’s a high percentage of men looking up Black/Ebony. Especially, considering no one seems interested in Black women.

 

 

IR Relationship chart

Photo source: Blogher site

 

 

The next thing that surprised me was a study done back in 2010 on whether interracial marriages are more likely to end in divorce. All couples were compared to White man/White woman couples. Couples made up of White men/Black women were 44% less likely to end in divorce compared to White men/White women. They even make a side note that couples made up of Black men/Black women were less likely to end in divorce than other marriages. In fact, it seems as if couples made up of one-half Black women, tend to last longer than many couples, same race or interracial.

So you mean to tell me that as far as porn is concerned, Black women are the most wanted, at least sexually, by ALL men, especially in certain age ranges? And often times, we can hold a relationship together better than other women, yet we’re the most overlooked?

Again, I call bullsh*t!

These men need to come out of the closet and start making their interest known. Who knows, you might find yourself in a long-lasting relationship.

Sidenote: I’m sure more extensive research needs to go into these studies to see what factors affect the results of these studies and my theory developed from them.

Advertisements

The Elusive Happily Single Female

No matter what popular belief tells you…YES!!! It is possible! Possible to be a woman, single, and happy.

This post is in direct response to something a family member said to my mother, that I feel I should address on behalf of all the happily single ladies out there. “I think Twyla is lonely because of something she said on Facebook.” I wonder if it was this post he was referring to…

 

Or maybe this post…

Why is it that even when you say and show that you’re happy as a single woman, people (especially attached people) assume that you’re just silently crying out that you’re lonely? Let me make this perfectly clear…I AM HAPPY BEING SINGLE!!!

Now I’ve been single since 2009. And I wasn’t always happy about it. But two years ago, I found the key to being happily single (at least for me). It’s finding passion in something else…ME! I’ve been learning to love myself without a man. I’ve found my passion in writing as well. Once I started working on my writing career and me as a person, I stopped caring about wanting a relationship. And trust me, my WHOLE life, up until this point, had been about thinking, looking, and searching for “the one”. So much so, that I settled for less too many times.

Don’t get me wrong. I miss sex…like, really miss sex! And I have moments where I think it would be nice to have someone. And then I quickly come to my senses. I’m not ready. I’ve still got some time left in the oven. Besides, none of the men I have encountered are right for me. When you’re finally free of the fear of being alone (Don’t confuse with lonely), is when your Bullshit-O-Meter kicks into high gear and you’re less likely to put up with drama and nonsense.

The moral of the story ladies…find your life’s purpose, travel, meet cool and interesting people, discover passion in yourself. That is when you’ll finally be free. Free to truly enjoy life and let love find you. Until then, I’ll just have to enjoy the plethora of fun battery operated boyfriends out there and free porn. Hey…it is 2016! Don’t judge me! 😉

“Til death do us part,” scares me to death!

Is it really possible to live the dream I write about? I’m not so sure anymore. The older I get and the longer I’m single, the more my tenacious hold on the dream and my naive beliefs in the dream, slip through my fingers. I can no longer pretend I haven’t seen behind the proverbial curtain.

Quite a few months ago a bunch of us were talking about why marriages didn’t last anymore, and I said the standard, “Because no one wants to work hard anymore.” That’s when my neighbor said something that I haven’t been able to shake, since. “It’s because women are so independent now.” And in my head, I was like, Holy shit!

I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before! Back in the day, it seemed like marriages lasted forever. Couples worked hard at their relationships and they stayed together through thick and thin. Well, it’s nowhere near as romantic as all that. At least, not as much as we thought. Women didn’t have many rights back then. Many depended on their husband’s income. Also, back in the 50s and 60s, men held all the power. If a woman wanted a divorce, he was immediately granted custody of the kids. Most women weren’t going to lose their kids. So the unhappy marriage is where they stayed. Which is why many of them turned to the bottle and became closet alcoholics. Or just miserable in general.

Then women’s lib came into play, and that was it. Women were getting jobs. Making their own money. Getting good educations. And started getting rights over their children. We no longer need to put up with the bullshit of a man. If a man hits us, we can leave. If we’re brave enough, mind you. He cheats…Bye, Felicia! We cheat and get caught…Sorry! K bye! Your husband works your nerves, spends too much money, etc…you can pack up your shit and ride off into the sunset. And men don’t have to worry about you being destitute and on the street anymore either.

Even watching my parents that have been together for 43 years, gives me pause. They love each other for sure, but what they go through daily ain’t easy. My dad is not an easy man to deal with, and my mom’s nagging scares me because I don’t want to be that person. In past relationships, I’ve caught myself nagging and I hated it. I enjoy my freedom. I’m not a fan of answering to anyone. And I refuse to put up with bullshit. I’m not Suzy Homemaker and I don’t want kids. Then throw in social media, the new homewrecker and my relationship status is looking like it’s going to hold steady at ‘single’ because I’m just not seeing the incentive.

But all I know for sure is that I’ll be going into my next relationship like I’m walking through a minefield. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!! Which is a good thing, considering in my late 20s I was trying to rush commitment and marriage in the race to get it all done before thirty. Which is and was, a quick way to scare away a man. This new leery attitude might serve me well in the next relationship. Though, I still have hope that I’ll get my HEA. That there is a man out there that can handle me and vice versa. Happily Ever After can’t just be the stuff of fiction…right?

***I own none of the photographs. They are the property of the owners.***

Single Girl Observations: Modern Relationships Suck Balls!

techfree

Do you remember when we used to sit down and have dinner with family, friends, and significant others without the interruption of technology? No? Ah, then you were born in the time of cell phones. You probably don’t know anything about looking into another’s eyes and having an unabbreviated conversation. OMG! LOL! BRB! Tots adorbs!

But us older folks know what it’s like. And it was awesome! Then the world became overrun by tiny rectangular devices that destroyed our communication skills.

techfree2

Who knew that something so small could be so dangerous to human interaction, especially intimate relationships.

I have to admit that I haven’t dated anyone since the advent of the QWERTY keyboard on old flip phones, circa 2009. Texting was just about to blow up and smartphones probably were just starting to be thought of. You didn’t have social media at your fingertips. Hell, I hadn’t even heard of Twitter yet and there was no Instagram to speak of.

techfree3

When you sat down together for lunch or dinner, you actually talked about your days. Engaged in intellectual discussions. Flirted! With your eyes no less!

You actually called each other on the phone and sometimes would bask in the glory of just hearing them breathe on the other line. I’ve even fallen asleep while on the phone a time or two.

And when you got into bed at night, you talked…yes again with the talking! You cuddled, watched your favorite shows together without tweeting about it or you screwed each other’s brains out, before falling into a deep sleep.

I’m hesitant to start a new relationship because I’m so afraid of ending up like the rest of the mindless drones that have empty relationships and full news feeds. I’ve seen some of you sitting in restaurants, not talking to each other with your heads down, looking for all the world like you’re praying the other doesn’t start talking. God forbid!

techfree_collage

More excited to update your relationship statuses than to actually have someone in your life. Posting about how wonderful your significant other is, instead of actually experiencing how wonderful they are. Taking adorable selfies together, only to once more bury your faces in your phones, ignoring each other as soon as the picture is taken. So busy bragging that you didn’t even notice that the relationship is already over. And after all that boasting you have to regretfully change your status to ‘It’s Complicated’ or ‘Single’, once more.

techfree8

I hope my future man is prepared for some ground rules when it comes to cell phone usage. I’m guilty of being addicted to my phone, but I also remember a time of meaningful discussions and spending quality time with my man. So the next guy vying for my attention better be prepared to bring on the intellectual intercourse. Make love to my mind, show some interest. Everyone please, put down your phones and pick up a decent conversation. Stop ignoring your significant others, they may not always be there for you to take for granted.

Big D Doesn’t Always Equal Big O

So, we as women often fantasize about finding the Big D. Dreams of 7, 8, or 9+ inch wangs dancing around our heads like candy-coated gumdrops. We imagine finding the Holy Grail of cock and it hitting all the right spots. Sending uncontrollable tremors through our thighs and cramps in our curled toes. Le sigh…

Though often, an orgasm is not what you’ll get. Your legs will shake, alright. Only because he’s tilting your uterus! Trust me, I dream of Big D just as much as the next girl. Hell, I even write about it! But after talks with friends and other females and my own experiences…Big D might not be all that it’s cracked up to be.

My theory…

I’ve heard men say that they’ve met a super hot chick and was so stoked to get her home. Once they’re in the middle of bumping nasties, they realized, “this isn’t even close to what I imagined it would be.” Many times this is because the hot chick thinks that she doesn’t have to put forth much effort because…well…”I’m hot! He’s lucky I’m even giving him a shot.” Now get with the “chubby girl” (I’m one of them) or the girl that’s not classicly pretty and she may put forth some more effort. Usually, because we feel that we have too, to compete with the “hot chicks” of the world.

This is the same with a big dick man. He thinks “I’ve got a big cock, that should be enough.” And they think we should be thanking our lucky stars that we’re getting the long arm of the law laid on us. Then they’re off. Pounding away like a jackhammer through concrete. Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I need some prep work. *knock on door* Let me introduce the Average dick man. The 5 and 6-incher…or less. They’re not huge and they know it. So they feel the need to throw in some extras to overcompensate. Many have mastered the art of cunnilingus. They can throw down like it’s a bucket of chicken. “Finger licking good!” I have experienced both of these men firsthand.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions to the rule on either side. Some guys could have big Ds and also be overall good lovers. And some Average Joes could be lazy in bed. Same with the “hot chick” and not so hot chick. But considering that “About 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone – that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10-15% never climax under any circumstances”(ABCNews), it’s obvious that Big D more often than not, doesn’t really get the job done. Plus, I’ve heard quite a few women say that they can’t enjoy different positions with their Big Dick man. Let’s shed a tear for no Doggystyle or Reverse Cowgirl… 😥

So instead of judging a man so harshly on his lack of length, we might want to wait and see what other tricks he might have up his sleeve or shall I say mouth.

~Twyla

Disclaimer: I mean no offense to “hot chicks” or “chubby girls”. Everyone has their own definition of hot. I’m just going off of society’s messed up standards. As well as conversations and things I’ve experienced.

 

The Unluckiest Demographic in Love

PrettyFat

This Insightful Saturday is a continuation from my post last week. Aside from Black women in general, there is a more specific group of women that have virtually been kicked out of the dating pool…

The educated/nerdy/classy/fashionable/chic/Chubby Black chick has to be one of the most overlooked demographics of women in the country, in regards to L-O-V-E. Speaking from personal experience and seeing the world with my own eyes, we get the short end of the stick more often than not.

Most of us aren’t interested in someone that is quote on quote “hood”, but every time I look up, I got some dude with a full gold grill on his ten-speed shouting out, “Hey Girl?! Hey! Can I get yo number?” More than likely, they see a woman that can take care of them, domestically and financially. A “mothering” type woman that can probably throw down in the kitchen.

Or we get the hick or wannabe “hood” white guys that like thick black girls. Unfortunately, we’re still too classy for that life. I want to be taken to the museum, not the Monster Truck show. I’ve dated one, trust me I know. Nothing like going to a NASCAR event and watch a pickup truck filled with white dudes, flying a Confederate flag. But hey, I was there for the free Goo Goo Dolls concert.

And let’s not forget the old perverted men of ALL races. Yep, we get the horny old lechers that still want someone young but no longer care what people think of the candy on their arm like their young counterparts do. Too bad I’m not into old balls, either.

We’re not necessarily picky people. But can we at least get someone with all of their teeth, not showing their drawers, and isn’t carrying their AARP card? Many of the black men that are similar to us, are only looking outside their race to date. And we all know that the majority of white guys out there are looking for someone slender. And even if they say they like a woman with meat on their bones, they’re talking big boobs and booty with skinny everything else. And that doesn’t even include their fear of dating someone black. Heaven forbid!

To the well-rounded men, we’re placed solidly in the “friend’s zone”. Most of them love and absolutely adore us. They think we’re hilarious. They ask us to help them dress to get the “hot chick”. They come to us for dating advice. Some of them even have sex with us (which ends up grudgingly being the best they’ve ever had), but still can’t see walking with us on their arm in the light of day.

PrettyFat2

But what these men aren’t understanding is that our demographic is an untapped goldmine of sweet, intelligent, loving, fun and dare I say…sexy, group of women. Many of us just as satisfying, if not more so, than any other woman. Open those pretty eyes, guys! We’re here and we’re amazing!!!

 

 

why i writeWhich is the main reason why I decided to brand my books as Novels with Curves.  In the past, I couldn’t find a romance novel with a character that looked anything like me, so I took matters into my own hands. Why can’t the curvy, Black girl get the hot guy? So that’s what I mainly write… Adorably plump and sexy black heroines that snag the hot hero.

All my novels are for the underdog; black, white, Latina or otherwise. To give her a voice. If we can’t find ourselves on TV or on the big screen, surely we can at least find characters like us in the most intimate form of entertainment…books.

Plight of the Elevated Black Woman in America (Dating and Love)

lexi4

First, I want to say that I was going to write Plight of the Educated Black Woman, but there are more than just college educated women who have or are currently trying to elevate themselves out of the stereotypes that society and our own community lump us in daily. I.e. Out of the unemployment line and into the boardroom, out of public housing and into our own homes, off of food stamps and armed with a bank account.

With that being said, I’ve read quite a few articles recently speaking on the difficulties of dating and finding love for black women. And boy oh boy, it’s not looking good for us. At least not in the good ole U.S of A. One article talked about how our incredible strength could be hurting our chances because we don’t show our vulnerability, in turn, our femininity. One addressed the subject of some douche saying that no one wants us. Another said that it is very unlikely that we’d find love online using the ever popular dating sites (a truth I can personally vouch for). Or one that talked about the possible plethora of dating opportunities over in Europe because our beauty isn’t being appreciated here in the States. (Links for these articles can be found below.)

Being a single black woman myself, I definitely get the struggle. And it breaks my heart that my gorgeous sisters and myself are being so callously overlooked. Though, I refuse to believe that I will never find love because I’m a black woman. But it has not been easy.

Growing up, I was teased by my black community because I spoke properly, I liked to read, and received good grades. Along with the fact that I enjoyed music, movies, and TV that wasn’t “Black”. When it came to dating, it often appeared that I had more in common with white guys and others outside my race than within. But white men and other races seem terrified half the time when it comes to dating black women because of what other’s may say. And whenever I’m lucky enough to hit the jackpot with a black man just like me. He isn’t remotely interested and leans towards women of other races himself.

hands3

Though, when it comes to dating white men, which I have, we also have to be careful and aware of the different types that are out there.

  • Type 1: The Avoider (Black women don’t appeal to me at all)
  • Type 2: The Undercover Lover (Hell yeah! But only behind closed doors)
  • Type 3: The Sampler (I wanna try it out just once. This one can easily turn into Type 2)
  • Type 4: The Bey (only if she looks like Beyonce)
  • Type 5: The Berry Picker (I only want black women. Blacker the berry and all that)
  • Type 6: The EOE aka The Equal Opportunity Employer (I just love women in general)

When it comes to Types 1,5, & 6 it’s all good because it often comes down to who you’re attracted to and that often can’t be helped. It’s 2, 3, & 4 that are dangerous. They’re attracted to us but with conditions and limitations. Often they will convince you that they’re Type 5 or 6 but after the deed is done, he doesn’t know your name or will hide you like a dirty little secret. There are plenty of 5s and 6s out there, but sifting through the BS can be treacherous.

So what if swirling doesn’t work out? What’s left for those of us that left the hood behind or never was there in the first place? Are we supposed to lower our standards and date a brother in the hood that isn’t striving for more? Or better yet, in prison? Because I’ve heard that too. That we shouldn’t be so picky and should be helping to elevate our brothers. Well, I’m still working hard at elevating myself. I don’t have time to convince a man that there is more to life than running the streets. This is why I’m currently not dating. When I’ve gotten my career and finances in order, is when I’ll be willing to reenter the dating pool. I’m just afraid that when I do, there won’t be much of a pool to join. Maybe I’ll just have to take my plump, swimsuit-clad self to a more all-inclusive pool overseas. But no matter what, I know that love will find me when the time is right. Swirl or not.

~Twyla

Strong Black Woman: Click here

Black Men Telling Black Women Nobody Wants Them: Click here

Online Dating Doesn’t Work for Black Women: Click here

Why Black Women are Being Told to Find Love in Europe: Click here