Cunnilingus Impostor

cunnilingus sketch

Nothing irritates me more than fake, phony, fraudulent people. Especially, when it comes to sex.

You see, I am who I am. Always have been and always will be. I don’t lie about myself or pretend to be something I’m not. That goes for in the bedroom as well.

If I tell a man that I enjoy bringing him pleasure through oral, you best believe that when the times comes, I will prove it.

We all do it. Have the conversation before we tumble into the bedroom. We brag and boast about our sexual prowess. We exchange likes and dislikes to see if we’re compatible sexually before we ever reach the bed or car or shower or wherever you end up.

Okay, maybe myself and other sexually open people have these discussions. Though I honestly think everyone should have honest and open talks about sex beforehand.

Anyway, we have these conversations and begin to get excited that we’ve found our sexual match. “Oh my gosh! He likes what I like.” Even better for a woman, “He likes going down. No…he loves going down!” It’s a rare treat to find.

You get all hyped up, ready for your date. You shower and spend extra time preparing Priscilla (Yeah, that’s right. I named her Priscilla). You meticulously shave her. Make sure she’s so fresh and so clean. You may even give her a taste and a smell with your index finger, just to be sure. All’s good in the neighborhood. You’re ready.

Your date has come to an end and it’s Go-time. You excuse yourself to the bathroom to give yourself another sniff and taste test. Still good to go. You come back out. You kiss passionately. So far so good. Clothes start coming off. Touches and kisses down the body ensue. He’s almost there. Then finally, he reaches the promise land. You mentioned during one of your talks that it takes you a while to come. And he responded with, “It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I love eating p*ssy. I’ll stay down there an hour if I need to.”

So now is the moment you’ve been banking on. Now is the time for him to prove it. It’s been five minutes tops (more like 2 or 3, but I’m trying to be generous) and he’s not doing too badly. Then suddenly he raises up and starts kissing back up your body.

Wait, what?! That’s it?!?! You scream in your head.

Disappointment floods you and taints the rest of the sexual encounter. You know without cunnilingus, you more than likely won’t come at all. Sidenote: About 80% of women can’t orgasm internally. At least not without the assistance of stimulation to the clit.

You like the guy because he seems like a stand-up individual in every other way. So just for good measure and against your better judgment, when it’s time to go down on him, you put it down just like you told him you would. He is f*cking dazzled. You think that maybe that would guilt him into improving for next time.

It doesn’t.

You realize…You’ve been bamboozled. Lied to. Scammed.

This mofo loves cunnilingus about as much as most of us like kale. It’s alright, but not something I want to eat all the time and in large quantities.

“I’ll f*ck it, but I ain’t eating it.” That’s what I think most men feel.

The biggest problem for me and I’m sure some other women out there is that I’ve seen the promise land. Hell, I’ve been there. And it was glorious. For any woman who has been with a man who actually loves cunnilingus. Who actually adores and worships p*ssy. You’ve been spoiled and ruined.

My ex was an a**hole, but that man could eat like a fat kid at a buffet. The first time, took forever. Like many females, you’re so in your head, worried about taking too long or if you smell and taste okay, that we almost never come the first time he goes down. But my ex went down at the beginning of the movie Hildago (Ha!) and was still going when that damn horse crossed the finish line. Unfortunately, I didn’t cross my finish line. But it was not from lack of trying on his part. But that’s how dedicated he was to getting me off. The next time we were together, though it still took me a while, I was finally able to reach that peak. It was glorious.

I used to say all the time that he would figuratively strap on an oxygen tank, slap on some goggles, and go down like he was deep sea diving.

When he went down he NEVER came back up without me finishing first. Even when I’d tell him to give up because I was taking too long. And that goes for the boyfriend I had before him.

So twice, I was blessed with cunnilingus experts. I know one when I feel one. You can’t pretend with me. You can’t fake that kind of dedication. That kind of praise to the p*ssy.

So men, or anyone about to crack their lips to tell a sexual lie, rethink it and be honest. Because she/he is going to find out anyway. And all it will do is disappoint.

Set her expectations low and aim higher than that. Don’t promise her the world and then give her a blade of grass.

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4 thoughts on “Cunnilingus Impostor

  1. To all experts that know how to use the tongue only those are a rare find, not to say that those who know the proper way to use a cough drop, whip cream, or pop rocks are consider cheaters to the game that just found a shortcut. But to the experts the ones will take the time to learn something and also still getting the CEU’s (continuing education units) please don’t think you are being taken for granted you are loved in more ways than you think. #stayeattingmyfriends

    Liked by 1 person

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